Thursday, July 21, 2016

What I miss about you

I wrote this in a personal journal but as many things on this blog I want to show the world how amazing Sharry was and is. This is not at all a comprehensive list but having said that it is a bit lengthy. Oh also I wanted to share a few of my favorite pics of my Shar and tried to not use too many with couple pics. I apologize for the weird format/structure, Sharry would have had this totally looking perfect. Oh and speaking of social media skills lacking I decided to take on Shar's instagram so feel free to follow @lovesharred

Baby girl I wanted to write and tell you some of the big and little things I miss about you:
  • talking to you about everything. When something funny happens during the day or something tough or something insightful I long to tell you about it. For 12 years you were my absolute confidant who I told everything!! My fears, stresses, weaknesses, failures, joys and successes.
  • Your incredibly infectious smile
  • Your big plans for the future. Without you what big plans/trips/goals am I going to make!?
  • Summer Adventures
  • Your love for the ocean AND the mountains! Remember early in our relationship you told me that I can only ever be your 2nd love because the ocean/beach will always be your first? (o:
  • Tiny houses
  • Your beautiful, crazy and sometimes stinky feet. I would always tease you that your toes were the only thing physically about you that didn’t get an A++ and I miss them so much! And guess what Shar, JJ has your fingers and toes! (o:

  • Your amazing beauty. You were the most gorgeous woman I ever met from the first time I lay eyes on you. I know you thought you peeked in your early 20’s but Shar as you rubbed your tummy with JJ and waddled around on his due date. I legitimately was never more attracted to you.
  • Your voice. Singing, talking, laughing, yelling, crying, baby talk, whispering, praying, giggling.
  • Your tears. What I wouldn’t give to wipe your tears or even to cause your tears one more time
  • Gossipping with you
  • Your social media prowess (I mean this blog quality, for example, has really taken a hit in my hands!)
  • Your forgiving nature
  • Holding hands. Your long Buhanan fingers make the perfect hand holding hands.
  • Our arguments/debates. Isn't it funny that even though we agreed on 99% of things we would disagree on the minutia and turn those into policy/philosophical discussions.
  • Texting you. I tried digging through our history of texts and it like totally froze my phone! I loved getting texts from you throughout the work day where we could share the good, the bad and the ugly of how our days were. Who the hell am I going to text about my new job!?
  • My best friend

  • Your writing in all its beautiful forms!! I adore your journals Shar. Honestly now they are ALL I want to read and they make me so happy and so depressed. In fact my new rule is that I cannot read them after midnight or I never quite recover for the night.
  • Your passion for nature and the environment. If it was up to you we would be camping and hiking 10x more than we did. You adored nature in all its forms and also passionately fought to protect the beauty of creation and our home
  • Your love for long hair on guys (and girls) and your hatred of cargo shorts haha
  • Watching tv with you
  • Your incredible and consistent love for the animal kingdom especially cats
  • Your presence, just being with you in a room/vehicle/anywhere. I miss that deeply and hope your presence is still with JJ, Lola and me.

  • Sleeping with you and what that means in all its forms!! Platonically speaking, cuddling and reaching out to you in the middle of the night and finding you not there I doubt I’ll ever get used to
  • Your beautiful brown eyes! I could get lost in those for hours on end as you held me in your eyes
  • Reading/meditating/praying together almost nightly before bed
  • Your temper! You were such a passionate person in every way which I adore. You taught me that there are things in this world that are worth being angry about, having said that I would love to be the one toq piss you off one more time!
  • Your enthusiasm and zest for life
  • How amazing you were at Mario Kart and Zelda
  • Your lists! I love how you would make lists for EVERYTHING. Trips, big life decision pro/con, resolutions, goals, best bands, memories, everything! Those are so precious to rediscover now baby girl.

  • Family cuddles with you, me and Lola. These were always my “happy thought” if I was in neverland a good family cuddle would make me fly every day. This is what heaven is to me and I fantasize often of getting in some kind of accident so that I can cuddle with you again.
  • All the awesome and silly little things we’d make into parties for just the two of us. Solstices, half birthdays, Bachelor Nation, girl parties, boy parties, three day weekends, snow days, rainy days, power outages, holidays, working late, sneaking into pools, going to the animal shelter, visiting family, October (aka Rocktober) and so much more!
  • How you never wanted to be first place in anything but also never wanted to be last.
  • Camping
  • A dreamer you always were looking for things to escape the mundane where most people (myself included) are totally resigned to the status quo

  • How you wanted to always “get married twice,” we should NOT have waited to do vow renewals on our 10 year.
  • How you were extremely progressive/liberal for other humans and the world (due to your huge compassionate heart) but incredibly conservative in your own personal life both fiscally and socially
  • wanderlust
  • My favorite feminist who inspired me to own that title as well
  • Your eclectic and bohemian style and design
  • What a great aunt, sister, daughter you were to family
  • I can’t believe I’m saying this but taking pictures with you. I want so badly to take more family photos with you!
  • Road trips, remember how we would sleep in the car at LEAST one night on every trip to save some money…

  • How cheap and thrifty you were! Following your lead we paid off two master’s degrees student loans in less than two years!!
  • National Parks
  • Hikes, hikes, hikes
  • Your absolute passion to make a difference and leave a mark on the world. I hope that I can continue this with JJ
  • Your lips, oh how I love and miss your lips.  We quite easily literally had hundreds of thousands of little kisses! But no more and that breaks my heart into tiny pieces. I love how chapped your lips would get, how you were addicted to chapstick and loved picking the little dried bits of skin.
  • Playing music together and how patient and kind you were with me in my absolute lack of talent. What I wouldn’t give to play Hallelujah or Home with you one more time. Maybe if there is a  heaven people are no longer tone deaf and I can actually keep up with you.

  • Going to concerts. From the little venues like Kilby Court, to the big festival like Hardly Strictly and Coachella we experienced a lot of great music
  • Your total inability to walk in any kind of heels
  • Your mismatched thumbs that I hope our grandkids have through JJ because you always said that trait skips a generation
  • Our shared search for the divine. Shar you and I evolved together. You were my partner, my companion as we attended all sorts of churches and belief systems, prayed, fasted, read, searched meditated, questioned, doubted, believed and comforted. We are ahimsa living, buddhist thinking, peacenik seeking mormons. Who am I ever going to find in a similar place to help me and JJ on this soul searching now!?
  • Your nicknames for me and hearing them come from your mouth: bubby, sweet sweets, baby boy, Jar...
  • Teasing you and you teasing me! Sometimes I regret teasing you so much cuz I would often go too far, but then I think if you were still here with me I would still tease the hell out of you (o;
  • Your passion and idealism to make a difference in the world that changed me forever to give a shit and to want to make a difference in such a heart breaking and difficult world

  • Your love for all the little and broken things of the world, every time I see a little animal dead on the side of the road I get emotional for the animal and for you remembering how that would bring you to tears and I would always hope you didn’t see
  • Our DI treasure hunting
  • Your amazing body that I still fantasize about. Remember that one time in Cedar City when you “caught me” checking out a super hot girl but she was actually you and I still got in trouble haha
  • Watching you create art/music and being totally jealous and mesmerized by your skills
  • Your totally misplaced insecurities and self criticisms about every aspect of YOU. I want so much to hold you in my arms as I did countless times and tell you that the ONLY thing I would change about you is how you see yourself. If you still exist this is my number one wish for you still that you know how amazing, beautiful, wonderful, good, kind, lovable, loved, talented and creative you are. That the world is a better place for having had you in it and a much darker place for losing you

Shar, this was an incredibly difficult post to do. Because quite literally I miss absolutely everything about you and that will never ever be summed up in any kind of writing or picture. I love and miss you so much sweet sweets. Similarly my heart is broken into innumerable tiny pieces that I doubt will ever be made completely whole until either we meet again or my soul ceases to exist.


  1. Rich memories so full of love! Keep writing - healing for you and a gift to us. A memoir in the making!

  2. L O V E oozing from every word and thought . . .

  3. love love loved reading this. Some things I knew, some things I didn't. Brought me to tears as your posts often do. She truly was/is amazing. The world is now missing a truly extraordinary person. Love you.

  4. She was very blessed to have you as her husband, friend and soulmate. I'm sure her list of what she missed about you would be endless as well.