Saturday, July 9, 2016

A bubby's hopes and dreams for JJ

Similar to Sharry's "baby blessing for baby boy", I also wrote my hopes and dreams for JJ on his due date. My words are not quite so poetic or powerful and of course when I wrote I had know idea the hell that was going to be unleashed in two days but for the most part they still hold true as hopes. I am definitely less confident in helping make them happen but I will work with my soul, heart and mind to make it happen. There will be minimal annotations.

I love you so so much baby boy. Your mom and I have had a loving duo (trio counting your furry sister Lola) for over ten years now and have had many incredible ups and downs. Adventures of land and spirit, times of plenty and times of want. We are so incredibly excited to bring you into our family. You are the culmination of our love. What does that mean now without her here? I wanted to write to you on your due date about all of my hopes and dreams for you.

I pray that you will be physically healthy, charismatic, attractive, strong and able.
I hope your mind will be sharp, intelligent, creative and wise. That you will have a sense of delayed gratification knowing that some of the greatest things in life are worth waiting for. You are the prime example of this. I hope that you value knowledge as an end unto itself but also for the benefits it brings that you may sharpen your own skills and use wisdom to help others and make your world a better place.

I pray that your heart will guide you throughout your life, that you will be gifted with deep wells of empathy and compassion. Your heart will guide you to always fight for justice, love and peace especially when it is not easy. So much pain and sorrow in the world and it is very difficult to care about others when your own can be so great I can picture you now as an elementary child standing up against bullies, as a teenager leading friends to have fun doing good, as a young man with passions and causes of your own that guide your big life decisions, and as a father someday loving deeply your forever partner and children.

I dream that you will love nature and connect often with it. I hope you have a poet’s eye
cherishing beauty everywhere that will bring humility, peace, connection and purpose. Sharry had this perspective and I always envied it, she found the divine in nature everywhere I sincerely hope that you connect with the arts in all its forms, spoken, written, music and more where it enhances and brings pleasure and beauty. Unfortunately for JJ, Sharry is definitely the artist of the family and without her careful guidance this hope may take a bit of a hit. Fingers crossed her genetic ability is passed on to this beautiful baby boy

I want you to have fun and find lasting joy. I can picture you know with an easy sincere smile and sense of humor that infects those around you. That you will find meaningful ways to bring pleasure, fun and happiness to your life and you will bring those things to other people's’ lives as well. I hope you have a sense of adventure that will push you out of your comfort zone to seek new experiences and to never hesitate to be a force for good.

I want more than anything for your life to be full of deep meaningful and loving relationships. You’re starting off in a good place with a mama and bubby that love you eternally in utero! You also are fortunate to have grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins who will love and care for you more than you know. I hope you will reciprocate their love. I can see you with many friends who share your interests, passions and life perspective I hope that you will make friends that you will keep lifelong and be a positive influence in your life. When romantic relationships develop down the road I hope that you will be as lucky as your old man. As I have said/written before I know that I am incredibly fortunate to have Sharry in my life for the amount of time that I did and that for some insane reason she chose me. I just feel so lonely and cheated, she was my everything. That you will find someone that you are attracted to physically, intellectually and emotionally. That you will find somebody, a best friend, who makes your heart sing and makes your world an infinitely better place. Sharry still knocks me off my feet. My world was heavenly and I took it so freaking for granted! Every year was my best year with her and 98% of my days were full of happiness and contentment. Since JJ's bday I'm batting 0% that I would say are FULL of happiness, most are quite the opposite with little bits of sunshine that break through the hurricane That you will have deep and strong relationships that can survive the shit storms that life can throw at you. I really believed this. That Sharry and I could survive anything TOGETHER, apart I am so fearful

I want your soul to soar that you will always be exploring ways to live the two great commandments “love god and love your neighbor as yourself”. No doubt there are a myriad of ways you can take that in your life but I hope that you seek out spirituality for purpose and connection. That you will aim to follow the teachings of Jesus and Buddha aspiring to end your own suffering and that of living beings in your life. I've always been of the mind that the two great commandments are the fastest way to lasting happiness and I hope to work back up to those, but right now I really question if I'll ever be able to do either to the capacity I once did

To sum up JJ, no matter my failings as a Father I love you forever and hope that I can be with you forever. I want you to know deep love, joy, purpose and meaning throughout your life and hopefully into the next one. Love you son,
Sincerely Bubby


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  2. Beautiful words, Jared. I know it feels like you will never be happy again, but slowly, slowly, I promise you will. Sharry wouldn't have wanted it any other way. So sweet to have seen you, JJ, and your mom yesterday in the unit. He is beautiful and I know he will bring you more happiness than you can know. ((HUGS)))

    1. I don't know why it won't allow me to "reply as..." But this is Rebecca from NICU

  3. Dear Jared, We don't know each other personally, but your sister is married to my husband's cousin. Jen shared what's happened and I cannot even begin to try and pretend to have anything to say that can fill the void that is in your life, in your heart, in your soul right now. I just want you to know that you're loved. That's it. It's all I can say, and it seems like the humblest of offerings given the pain and the tears and the anguish of soul you must be experiencing. I just hope, and pray, that you feel that love. That in those darkest moments you have that glimmer of peace that comes from that love, from all of those dearest to you and to whom you are dearest. You are remembered. I know that. Sending love. Melissa

  4. This is beautiful, Jared. You have a way with words. You and JJ will cherish this forever.