Saturday, June 16, 2018

Two years & one full heart

How full can one person's heart be?!
Grief, excitement, celebration, loss, hope, darkness, gratitude, light, old and new love all at once...

Today is JJ's second birthday, the same day that my wife and lost love gave her life for his. Also in less than two weeks, I'm getting married to the most wonderful, beautiful, kind, good, compassionate and fun person and I cannot wait to begin our life as a family.

It is SOOO difficult to process all of this at once...

JJ is two and awesome. He is very excited for his birthday and all the exciting presents and good times it brings. His vocabulary is constantly growing. He is my favorite age so far. He can be stubborn and mind numbingly exhausting yet at the same time melt my heart, bring such wonder to the world, and be so incredibly cute and fun. I sometimes hate being a parent but for every moment like that I have 10 that I love and that ratio is only getting better all the time.

I very much love and miss Sharry. I cannot believe that it has been two years. Two years ago the culmination of our amazing twelve years together was about to enter our world. We cuddled in the hospital bed waiting for our baby to enter the world only to have our lives torn asunder by her crashing blood pressure and the following hospital "code blue", that had her rushed to the surgery room where she gave her life for her baby son. I miss her voice, her smile, her touch, her love, companionship and friendship. I do hope and believe that she is our guardian angel and has brought amazing people and things into the lives of her two boys.

No, I do NOT believe that "things happen for a reason", but rather know from having lived the absolute best of times and worst of times (multiple times) that beautiful, magical, and priceless flowers can, at times, blossom from the loathsome dung that life flings. 

Katie. My heart spills over with love and gratitude for this amazing and extraordinary human being. At one point not too long ago the "for sure" future plan was to be a single monk dad for the rest of my days. Thank God that sometimes our plans don't come to fruition. I LOVE Katie Lounsbury and am thrilled to be a family with her. She is good, fun, hilarious, beautiful, wise, smart and already such a good mama to JJ. She is my best friend. How the hell did I get so lucky two times?? It completely overwhelms me when I really think about it...but I embrace it fully.

Our present and future are bright yet I know there will often be a bit of bitter with the sweet...especially this time of year. I also know that there is nobody that I would rather travel the rest of this road of life with than Katie and JJ.