Today sucked! I mean obviously the last little bit for the BD3 life has been shitty but for whatever reason today was sooo tough. I guess I have a few ideas why:
- I finished the last of Sharry’s delicious watermelon sorbet, she made it right before JJ’s bday and I’ve been chipping away at it almost sacramentally and today I finished it off. I think that is the last digestible item that Sharry made that I will be able to enjoy. I don’t know her exact recipe but this one seems right from my memory helping her make it. It’s a wonderful summer treat.
- Change. I hate changes and I am hitting so many big ones all at once
- Losing a spouse/soul mate/best friend/inspiration
- First baby, JJ rocks, owns my heart and is so critical to my life but I don’t know what the heck I’m doing and feel like he will get like 25% the goodness his life trajectory was once on which is plain unfair and sucktakular
- New job. I LOVE my job at Midvale Middle School. I am in love with the students, my co workers, the parents. Almost everything except schedules...schedules suck. I am leaving MMS to be closer to family in St George. I will miss Midvale and SLC sooo much! Having said that I am very excited and grateful to Dixie HS, change is just rough for me.
- I had to fill out some forms where I marked “single” for the first time in 10 years multiple times
- Moving/selling a house we bought three months ago to move into my parents’ basement, need I say more? Today I packed up just a few items and it’s haunting me already
- New Car. Got a new car yesterday a new-ish Prius but traded in mine and Shar’s 220k Toyota Echo, we put a lot of miles and memories into that car. Sad to see it go but JJ needs something reliable I will be driving a lot to see family and friends and as I mentioned in an earlier post I’m more nervous about everything without Sharry. We went from nearly 480K between two cars to under 25k!
- Today my wonderful photographer sister came and took some infant pictures of JJ. These kind of activities are NOT my cup of tea but Sharry loves that stuff and she wasn’t there
- Sharry was prepared to do 100% cloth diapers, we have over 30 cloth diapers ready to rock and roll with an intricate system to even have it work on the road. JJ wore cloth diapers for the first time today and they were gross but not that gross. Nonetheless not fun to do without Shar. Don’t worry all of you helping out w/ JJ his bubby will be the only one that has to worry about this!
- My mom, JJ and I took a drive up big cottonwood canyon which was tough for multiple reasons.
- Sharry and I loved going up the canyons, hiking, exploring, camping and cooling off..very difficult but important to do without her.
- Also it was heart wrenching to see all of the happy young families playing out in nature. Camping trips, hikes, campfires, nature watching/savoring have been huge items on the regular BD activity list and we were supposed to introduce all of them to JJ together as our own happy little family
- After our drive we watched a random critically appraised movie on netflix that I had seen before and remember fondly. Of course as in many non explosion type movies a relationship was the central plot...I can’t take anything anymore. The future seems to dark and meaningless.
I of course would be remiss if I ended on such a dour note because there are always some good things going on, silver linings if you will. This morning an amazing church group that is connected with one of Sharry’s coworkers came and whipped our horrible unwieldy yard into shape. I am so grateful to them and for any of them that I did not get an opportunity to say thank you with a big hug. Thank you!
Thank you to everyone again for the outpouring of love and support. It is needed and very appreciated. If I do not respond to you personally please never take that as a personal slight. Know that I am very overwhelmed right now and am what I consider a social introvert. When things are happy and good I do alright with the chit chat and friendly visits but as a general rule I am a person that really keeps a small-ish group of people (that shrunk even smaller over my years with Sharry) that I lean on probably too much for support during those more difficult times and soul searching conversations.
Hopefully tomorrow will be ever so slightly better than today!