Thursday, July 7, 2016

Mommy's baby blessing for baby boy (annotated)

Mommy's baby blessing for baby boy (annotated by me in red)
Love her chosen title!! This is what she saved it as. She always had the idea of at some point we would have a family get together where anybody that wanted to could either write JJ a “blessing” or give him an actual blessing or prayer as compared to the typical LDS route of the dad being the only one to administer.
I have shared this with many friends and family and at the funeral and read it many times to myself and to JJ. In many ways it is a powerful message to me as well. We both wrote our hopes and dreams for him on his due date and I think this is something that he will cherish always!

Dear baby.

From the day the fertility clinic called to tell us congratulations, my life changed. We never had any idea how much! That day, I cried my first tears of love and appreciation for you. I couldn’t believe you were our own little poppy seed, ours, and though still tiny were made of me and him, our love. Our cells and our souls and the little electric blue strings of our imaginations. you are ours, always, and we are yours.
She is such a powerful writer, and love the always!

Today is your due date, baby. A day we have counted down and subtracted to everyday since that first phone call. And each of those days has only anxiously multiplied our love for you. I can’t wait to tell you someday how you kicked my ribs and turned my insides into jutting baby parts, and how I loved to tickle those little extended elbows and sharp tiny toes and tell you that, “i love you, baby. I love you.”
Anybody that was around Sharry during this time was bound to see her rubbing her belly lovingly and touching JJ and telling him how much she loved him.

The last picture Sharry ever sent me, the pregnancy "ball" that she loved to caress and whisper "I love yous" too
We can’t wait share all our hopes for your singularly unique and uncharted life. To tell you how i hope, above everything, that you fill your life with love. Sharry has one of the biggest and most caring hearts that I have ever met and I hope JJ can follow her example And that you will find this love in the people you meet, the paths you explore, and the life you create. I hope you will learn to love art and animals, the earth and the breeze, and the impermanence of things. LOVE this sentence even though it strikes me to the core as I kind of loathe the impermanence of things right now but definitely will do my best to help JJ connect with beauty in all its forms That you learn to be present in the wilderness, that you learn to love learning, that you find ways to celebrate your passions everyday, and that you strive towards ahimsa in everything you do. Ahimsa is a Jain principal and is our family religion and essentially means “non-violence and compassion to ALL living things I hope you will be an example, in the classroom, in the home, in the world, of caring and kindness. As Shar was in her quiet yet powerful way I hope you will fight against injustice, be brave in the face of fear, and that your living, itself, will become your life’s message. Thus the other side of our family religion coin “give a shit” I hope you will have physical health, mental strength, and emotional fortitude to withstand the struggles that inevitably come your way. Never imagined this would be one And i hope that you gain wisdom and grow your capacity for compassion in each of these moments. I am trying desperately I hope you will learn to take each of your steps, from the first wiggly legs to your last weakened state, in peace. I want to know more than anything that Sharry has found peace wherever she is

We can’t wait to teach you to keep going, to try hard, to work and then wait and keep your heart open for the good things to come. Again this resonates so powerfully to me and is so incredibly difficult That delayed gratification only makes the dessert taste that much sweeter, and that you, baby, were our ultimate treat. We tried to have a baby for three years using many different fertility options and if I could undo it all I would. The “ultimate treat” leaves such a bitter taste in my mouth.

I can’t wait to hold you, to finally see how your eyes will shine and your lips will pucker. This part breaks me everytime. But his eyes do shine and his lips pucker (I really hope he has his mom’s lips) but she did NOT get to hold him How you will be you, unlike any other living being that has ever lived, and what kind of unique magic you will bring. For one thing he is my healing anchor without him I don’t know what I would be doing but it wouldn’t be good To us, baby, the night you are born will forever be miraculous and holy. My God, this one is difficult for me. She saved her baby which is the greatest love anyone can ever give but in so doing she was lost to me, JJ and the world.

And we can’t wait to see you look up at us sometimes he looks over my right shoulder when I’m loving on him and I so desperately want him to be looking at his angel mama and know that we are here for you, you are safe, you are cared for, you are accepted, and you are home. Home was always wherever Sharry was I hope that no matter how you grow or where in life you go, when you look at us you will know that we are here for you, baby. We are here for you. Is she still there for him? For me? I plead for it to be so

So happy due date, baby. We can’t wait to welcome you into our lives forever. Forever? Seems too good to be true with how tragic life can be but I hope with all my heart there is truth here and long for her presence now.

Amazing powerful stuff right? Isn’t she amazing!? She has given a roadmap of how to raise JJ! The trouble is that she would have made all these things happen in his life now he is left in my far less capable hands.
In an upcoming post I’m thinking I’ll share my “hopes and dreams” that I wrote on his due date but spoiler alert it pales in comparison to this.


  1. I am sure he is looking at his angel mamma when he looks over your shoulder. I wish he had the words to tell you. Actions speak louder than words anyway.

  2. I've cried reading every one of your posts, but this one had me sobbing, she really is amazing. ♡

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  4. Such amazing words and a true gift for her son!

  5. Sharry's way of words and eveything about her seems so incredibly wonderful. You and JJ are truly so lucky to have known her (and JJ have a piece of her) .. I read your posts daily and hope/pray you overcome this tragic time. You seem wonderful yourself and JJ is adorable.

  6. Jared, when you allowed me to come and visit and to actually hold JJ I felt then that I was holding him for Sharry. He would smile and I asked him if his momma was whispering in his ear and he then opened his eyes and looked at me. I don't think you give yourself enough credit -- Sharry so believed in you, you were her everything and I'm pretty sure that she thinks you have more than capable hands to see JJ on his path in life. You are a very special soul as well.

  7. If you have ever bathed a new baby, you know what a challenge bathing a struggling baby that is slick with soap and water can be - and a baby bath seat can help.