Sharry and I always considered Halloween our first anniversary. October 31, 2004 was the day we had our first kiss and from that point on we were pretty much inseparable for what would have been 12 years this Halloween. I was her first and only kiss, if you can belief that, and she was my third. It is important to note that I don’t really count my first as it was in middle school and after encountering my skilled lips the girl said “ummm...it’s ok maybe some guys just aren’t meant to kiss”...so really Shar was number 2 haha.
October and specifically Halloween were always times of fun, haunted houses, family, costumes, treats, scares and celebration. For multiple Octobers we would watch a scary movie almost every night (or Simpson’s Tree House of Horror episodes) which would lead to us being so afraid by the end of the month that we would take turns waking each other up out of fear, despite leaving the lights on, and just giggling (or let’s be honest sometimes arguing) groggily into the early morning.
Dressing up together occurred every year. Our first time we aimed to be Rogue and Gambit (X-Men) but couldn’t pull it off so we were matching Batmans. Other highlights include: Mario & Luigi, Penny Lane (Almost Famous) & Bob Dylan, Holly Golightly, Aragorn & Arwen (LoTR), Shaggy & Velma, Ghosts (we did this so we could trick or treat at the ripe age of 24 and 21), and last year a scarecrow & a black cat.
I do not know how I am going to make it through the holidays without her. Sharry LOVED the Holidays. Of course there was always a bit of frustration and disappointment but overall she loved celebration and October through New Years bring plenty to celebrate.
She enriched my life in innumerable ways.
Recently I reread one of Shar’s blogs that touched me deeply and kind of left me reeling. In it Shar writes of our first meeting from her point of view and does so beautifully and the preface is a quote by Emily Bronte, “Whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same.” This made me think of something else she wrote in her personal bucket list so heartbreaking (now) in how she describes the depth of our love and connection. “I’ve never met another soul so suited to mine, another person so connected to me, or another human I never seem to tire of. My life of love and adventure, art and literature, family and friends- begins and ends with him. The longer we are together, the more my heart becomes a part of his and molds into one, somewhat unhealthy, enlarged pumping organ that cannot be separated without killing both.”
I ache excruciatingly for the missing, greater half of my heart, of my soul.
I haven’t had a “happy day” since JJ’s birthday. Happy minutes and hours? Thanks to my job, JJ and family fortunately yes, but not an entire day that felt pre 6/16 level good throughout. Will that come? I imagine so. Do I want that? sometimes.
For 12 years (minus 137 days) we lived as one.
For 4,243 days we were mutually obsessed with each other. With a conservative estimate we probably kissed at least 127,300 times! (and yes that math checks out, cheesy TMI we would do clusters of little kisses upon saying farewell and reuniting each day)
She was usually the top thing that my mind would return to. What is Sharry doing? Remember that awesome ______ with Sharry? Isn’t she amazing for XYZ…? Can’t wait to see baby girl after work. Think of point X in the future and Sharry is the keystone of the plans.
Healthy? No. Did it work for us? I was incredibly happy, fulfilled and utterly, completely in love.
(To be clear of course my mind had other obsessions that included but were not limited to: video games, my students, climate change action, Bernie Sanders and food among others but Sharry was always the premier event.)
Try undoing a happy yet entrenched habit that you have had in place for 12 years... to this day 4.5 months since seeing her face and holding her hand she is still the headliner in my mind’s stage. Throughout the day when my mind wanders inevitably it returns to her.
Like a planet with a missing sun I have no orbit. I am drifting in space.
Fortunately I have my little star. My up and coming band. But just because you have Justin Timberlake (obviously don’t know who’s hot with staying power right now) doesn’t mean you don’t desperately miss The Beatles.
|Pumpkin & Corn on the cob|
|My Sister Jen took these awesome 4 month pics|