Self Compassion Letter

I have been challenged by a good friend and my fabulous counselor to write a letter of self compassion. Here is the result. I think it's a great idea for any who are deeply suffering.

Jared, what happened to you last summer is one of the greatest tragedies that can happen to anyone. On the day that was supposed to be the happiest of your life you lost your best friend and soulmate in a freak tragedy. After nearly 12 years in an extraordinary relationship full of connection, adventure, joy and profound love you finally were getting your “ducks in a row” doing all the things that you were always told were the path to happiness and joy. You and Shar bought a house and were finally starting a family after much disappointment and difficulty. Now you lost your dream girl, your favorite job ever, your beautiful new house that Sharry made a home and your entire planned out future. That is shitty, unfair and should never happen to anyone let alone to a couple that was so deeply connected, in love and one. I cannot imagine a worst thing to happen to anyone outside of acts of violence.

The last 250 days have been incredibly difficult. You are grieving deeply and mourning your profound loss. It will get better, never completely and that is probably a good thing but the tidal waves will continue to lessen in intensity over time until over months and years they are lapping at your feet with gentle memories that bring a smile with the tears. You have JJ a living literal piece of Sharry. He can be very difficult and exhausting but then the next moment he melts your heart. You are the most important person in his life and he is yours. He is your anchor and your salvation. Love him and savor him with your whole soul. As he grows you will see parts of Sharry shine out and you will be amazed and feel her presence about him and you. You have amazing family in the Deckers and Buhanans that are mourning with you and for you and will do all that they can to help you. Help them as well, especially Shar’s family. Show them how grateful you are to be one of them. You have amazing unexpected friends who are full of compassion, wisdom, insight and love. Be grateful for these people in your life. Jared choose to believe the heavens are with you. Your Heavenly Father and Mother and their angels abide with you. They love you and suffer with you. Turn to them for guidance and strength and you will find it. Sharry is one of those angels and she misses you deeply but knows you are doing the best you can as a single daddy with her beautiful baby. She wants you to find joy, love and happiness after your time of grieving is past. She is by your side supporting you and cheering you on.

Jared you are a kind, good hearted, compassionate and good person. You are strong, you can do this you are doing it. You are accomplishing much good in the world as a counselor and other pursuits. Love deeply. Love JJ, your family, your students, your friends, Sharry and yourself. You will be OK again. Life may never be as joyful and carefree as it once was but it you will know joy and you will know love on a more wise and mature level. Grief and this profound suffering are a receipt from loving so deeply. Always remember that life can be both so incredibly difficult and unfair but also so beautiful, wondrous and magical. You have lived the extreme ups and downs that life has to offer. Use your experience as a tool to savor the good, and to be a force for love and compassion in all that you do. Jared I love you, JJ loves you and Shar loves you forever. May peace and light be in your life as much as possible.

JJ first time in the pool, he was nervous at first but then loved it!

In Shar's journal, love it and I am definitely embracing my pain

Homesick for Her

Recently I’ve had a quessy pit in my stomach and chest that I cannot shake. It reminds me of when I moved as a kid and missed everything about my old home. My friends, my room, the weather, my school, the routines and traditions...everything was missed and it took quite a bit to adjust and reorient myself to the new place. Now 20+ years later as a 34 year old grown up adult (more or less), I have the most excruciating longing for home in my entire life. I am so intensely homesick for Shar.

When you are blessed with finding your twin soul at the age of 21 you grow accustom to some pretty amazing things:

• 24/7 best friend...the only friend you ever want or need
• Touching, holding and cuddling
• Kissing! Little kisses and big kisses with everything in between
• A partner in crime
• A loyal confidant
• The greatest argument adversary
• Sharing hopes and dreams then filling the calendar with plans big and small
• Being vulnerable and finding amazing depths of love and support
• Adventuring around the world on a shoestring budget
• Live music enjoyed in tiny coffee shops and giant multiple day long festivals
• Reading and cuddling
• Tv show binging
• Protesting
• Camping and hiking
• Road trips
• Service
• Faith questing
• Blending family traditions and creating our own
• Finger interdigitation
• Thrifting
• Loving love love love love
• ...and much much more

We made a home of our enmeshed lives and hearts where we both climbed inside and lived for 12 fairy tale-ish years. Now the core foundation of that structure has been ripped apart. Our life used to be a story, our story with dual protagonists. That is no more. There will be no more stories beautifully written from Shar’s perspective but rather me grasping with an aching chest to recapture the home that is no more.

Thank God for my living breathing beautiful piece of her and all the memories, goodness and legacy she has left behind.

Shar songs & some Natural Clemency

Sharry and I at one point were going to be a folk duet, we even had a sweet name Natural Clemency. At least that was one of many of her grand plans that was to be accomplished at some point in our lives, unfortunately the only audience Natural Clemency ever ended up playing for live was our kitty Lola. Recently it evolved into the idea of having a future family band with our musical 1-3 children. Now instead JJ and I listen to Shar's songs almost nightly and I try to sing along with an angels voice as I rock him to sleep. Let's hope that he gets his mama's musical ability. Here are a couple of Shar's original songs w/ lyrics. The rest of her songs can be found at this sound cloud profile where I have them posted along with a few uploaded music videos.

Time Steals

You say opportunity knocks

But it’s just the house next door

It will come my way next May

When the sky ???

And the clouds are flowering

Time steals my life

But it can’t get my soul

We climbed up to zion’s peak

And rested then to think

Of ideas that slip by

Dripping castles in the sky

Swimming pools in my mind

Time steal my life

But it can’t get my soul

We waited for someplace paradise

The place where water falls

America was made for me

So let’s take it baby

Time steals my life

But he can’t get my soul

I've Got You

I’ve never worn a golden bracelet

Or diamond ring

All I’ve ever had is you babe

And some dirty old guitar strings

And i’m not blue

Because baby I’ve got you

I’ve never seen the Eiffel tower

Or the empire state building

All I’ve ever seen is you babe

And some background concert scenes

But i’m not blue

Cuz baby I’ve got you

I’ve never met the president

Or owner of anything

All I’ve ever known is you babe

And some lonesome street bum kings

But i’m not blue

Because baby i’ve got you

Forget about motors and money

And cuddle close to your honey

I’ve never stayed in a mansion

Or Trump’s dwellings

I just wanna stay with you babe

While the record player sings

And I aint blue

Cuz baby I’ve got you

Bonus Track and video "In Spite of Ourselves" by John Prine...once again let's hope JJ gets his mom's talents. (o:

Isn't she so talented and beautiful!?

6/16/16 an alternate universe??

Remember in Back to the Future II when Old Man Biff goes back in time with a sports almanac that he gives to his young self completely altering the future for the worst especially for Marty McFly? Or in X-men days of future past where Senator Kelly and Professor X are assassinated forever ruining human-mutant relations until the mistake is fixed by the super mutant team? Or finally where in It’s a Wonderful Life Mr Potter buys out the savings and loan creating immense poverty in Potterville because George Bailey wasn’t there to stop him? I drew from a fairly wide range of examples from pop culture so hopefully you can relate to at least one of these light hearted examples where a horrible alternate history is both presented and solved. I sincerely feel as if this is my life and some kind of Biff, Potter or Mystique altered my timeline from heaven to hell.

This time last year was the most hopeful and excited about life in general Sharry and I had ever been and for good reason. First we super excited to help elect a kind, progressive politician with morals and heart, President Bernie Sanders. We made over 1,600 calls for his primary campaign and donated hundreds of dollars for the promise of a brighter, cleaner and more just future. Instead the unimaginable happened and we have a President Trump. At my last job (a year ago) I had middle school students come into my office in tears from fear that Trump would become president and come after them and their families. I promised them that America would never elect Trump and even if they did he wouldn’t be allowed to do such things. I was wrong.

Voting for Bernie @ the Primary on a snowy day in a long line

Second Sharry and I had been living like poor college kids for a few years after getting our graduate degrees, with two full time jobs, in order to save for a house and 2016 is when our search began in earnest. We ultimately found a house in a quiet neighborhood, beautiful views, great schools and close to family. We envisioned raising 2-3 children in our new home where we would finally put down deep loving roots. Two months after moving into our new home I moved back into my parents’ house and now reside in the same room I lived in while in high school. Our house is sold (fortunately at not too great a loss) and both the literal (trees we planted) and metaphorical roots planted last spring have completely withered and dried up.

Working on our yard planting and dreaming

Finally Sharry and I tried for a few years to have a baby. Beat down by month after month of failure we miraculously (or tragically) were able to conceive and have a baby boy on the way. It is incredibly heart breaking to remember a year ago when most nights Shar and I would lay in bed rubbing her belly together and talking about all the big plans we had for our baby boy and the BD3. Adventures, art, hikes, protests, concerts, trips, books, cuddles, songs and love. Our life was so pregnant (literally and figuratively) with hope, joy and love. Yet 6/16/16 came along and the ultimate tragedy of all tragedies struck when my soul mate, a full term, healthy mom checked into the hospital and did not check out. She was ripped away from her other half and her new beautiful baby boy.

What the hell happened!? I know if God exists he/she does not cause such tragedy to happen or prevent it from occurring. Were we really just the ultimate losers in life’s lottery? I would give anything to be Marty McFly, Kitty Pride or George Bailey and undo this history gone wrong. Unfortunately this is real life and there are no resets, time machines or save points and I must learn to live in a world with rich Biffs, President Trumps and Pottervilles. Somehow I am treading water enough to survive in this world without Professor Xavier or the angel of my soul and mother of my beautiful boy.

PS Apologies for the nerdy and negative tone. I have been watching a lot of movies lately and am struggling with our new President’s actions, JJ’s lack of sleep (he’s sick), and as always life without Shar.

Playing with cousin Eddie with a favorite toy, a plastic cup (o:

A kind stranger had this made featuring one of Sharry's many messages to JJ and I. LOVE it.

220 days and a tough night

Seven months. To be more precise 220 days as of this writing. Tonight is one of those nights where I sit and wonder what the hell happened! I seriously loved pretty much everything about my old life and it seemed to be getting better and better all the time. I was the happiest and most personally optimistic person I know. Then inexplicably my baby girl disappears in an instance on what was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives. Now I know worst case scenarios can and do happen. True love does not always triumph, at least not in this life, and God only knows about the next. Life is suffering and heartbreak.

A couple of rediscovered (new to me) photos that one of Shar's best friends sent me... LOVE stuff like that

Of course that is only half the story. For 12 years life was love, joy, adventure and smiles 98% of the time...even some of our best fights are better than the majority of my current life. I now have JJ who fills my life with love...and stress. Speaking of JJ, I SUCK at the single parent thing even with tremendous Decker and Buhanan support. How do people do it!? I have a job that where I can make a difference and find fulfillment most of the time. But alas, none of that takes the sting from missing Shar. Am I doing it wrong!? Were Shar and I too unhealthily enmeshed?? We kind of knew that at the time but it really seemed to work and we both had one job. To freaking stay alive. Now I find it hard to go on living without her.

A wonderful gift that arrived two days commissioned by my brother and sister in law

Ways I hope to find meaning or at least pleasure this year

• Be the best and most compassionate counselor I can be
• Love JJ and cherish his milestones
• Hike and enjoy the outdoors with JJ
• Read LOTS
• New Zelda game
• Meditate, pray, contemplation...daily
• Try to connect with the Divine and my angel on a real soul level
• Shar’s scholarship
• Write a book

If you my dear readers and friends have other suggestions please comment, text or message me.

Also I am looking for some feedback. One of the big goals I have for this year as mentioned above is to write and have published a children's book. My preliminary idea is to write about a boy and his angel mama. But I really am having a difficult time deciding between keeping it specific and more autobiographical sharing real things from Shar and me. I think the pros of this route are that my passion and our love will come across in greater detail. I can even include a CD with some of Shar's songs! OR keeping it more general about angel mama’s with less BD3 details, the obvious positives of this route being it is a bit more appealing to a wider audience. Anonymous poll below, please let me know what you think (o:

Also if you have not had the opportunity to hear the podcast Strangers I encourage you give them a lesson especially the most recent episode featuring our love story and tragedy. I have embedded it below for your convenience but you can find it on itunes or wherever you find podcasts.

Love and peace to you all. Please cherish and savor your loved ones even through those tough moments and days. (o:

Playing in the snow with grandma

JJ taking a ride in his cousin's sweet car!

Holiday Gift Gratitude

For Christmas I didn't want much of anything. I had told people all I wanted was Shar and JJ mementos and framing of some of her art...and people came through big. Here are a highlight of some of the amazing gifts given to the BD3 this year. 

#livelikeShar my sister made this for all the Decker family, I have it hanging in my office. Love it.

Some of Sharry's friends came got together to create this BD3 magic

Some of Shar's siblings gave me this piece by Gustav Klimt, Mother and Child, I have it hangings in JJ's room.

One of my Buhanan brother in laws had a family member who made this awesome piece of Shar and JJ. I adore it, it overlooks his crib.

My mom framed this Shar painting of Jesus with a very imperfect model, but it is a great reminder to me to connect with my Christ heart.

One of Shar's brothers had this Shar art piece framed. I love it, she was so creative and talented. It's hard to make out but if you look closely the black shading is made of tiny yin-yangs. Apologies for the glare. 

A self portrait by Shar of her and our first baby, Lola the cat. My mom got this framed.

One of Shar's favorite art pieces The Three Candles by Marc Chagall. This piece has even more significance to me now as the woman is in white looking quite angelic and together the couple is floating up with the angels.

For my B-day my brother and sis-in-law made this, it says "off to save the world" and has Rogue and Gambit (our super couple) glued on as well. BD3 still fighting to save the world. (o:

I also received an Ergo Baby carrier from a very generous and kind stranger in Michigan. People can be so amazing. I am continually inspired by family, friends and strangers...I should say new friends.

Sharry's mom also surprised me big time when she gave me a big bin full of Shar's childhood mementos. She wanted me to see that not only was Shar an extraordinary adult but a pretty exceptional little girl as well. I still get emotional when I think of this. I'm taking my time going through the mementos...more new (to me) Shar stuff to savor through 2017!

As I look to 2017 I do not know how to tackle the future without my twin soul and honestly that often feels me a great deal of despair. But then I try to remind myself how crazy fortunate I was to hold an angel for 12 years and that the remainder of my life with JJ must be a legacy to her. #livelikeShar