Seven months. To be more precise 220 days as of this writing. Tonight is one of those nights where I sit and wonder what the hell happened! I seriously loved pretty much everything about my old life and it seemed to be getting better and better all the time. I was the happiest and most personally optimistic person I know. Then inexplicably my baby girl disappears in an instance on what was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives. Now I know worst case scenarios can and do happen. True love does not always triumph, at least not in this life, and God only knows about the next. Life is suffering and heartbreak.
|A couple of rediscovered (new to me) photos that one of Shar's best friends sent me... LOVE stuff like that|
Of course that is only half the story. For 12 years life was love, joy, adventure and smiles 98% of the time...even some of our best fights are better than the majority of my current life. I now have JJ who fills my life with love...and stress. Speaking of JJ, I SUCK at the single parent thing even with tremendous Decker and Buhanan support. How do people do it!? I have a job that where I can make a difference and find fulfillment most of the time. But alas, none of that takes the sting from missing Shar. Am I doing it wrong!? Were Shar and I too unhealthily enmeshed?? We kind of knew that at the time but it really seemed to work and we both had one job. To freaking stay alive. Now I find it hard to go on living without her.
|A wonderful gift that arrived two days commissioned by my brother and sister in law|
Ways I hope to find meaning or at least pleasure this year
- Be the best and most compassionate counselor I can be
- Love JJ and cherish his milestones
- Hike and enjoy the outdoors with JJ
- Read LOTS
- Meditate, pray, contemplation...daily
- Try to connect with the Divine and my angel on a real soul level
- Shar’s scholarship
- Write a book
If you my dear readers and friends have other suggestions please comment, text or message me.
Also I am looking for some feedback. One of the big goals I have for this year as mentioned above is to write and have published a children's book. My preliminary idea is to write about a boy and his angel mama. But I really am having a difficult time deciding between keeping it specific and more autobiographical sharing real things from Shar and me. I think the pros of this route are that my passion and our love will come across in greater detail. I can even include a CD with some of Shar's songs! OR keeping it more general about angel mama’s with less BD3 details, the obvious positives of this route being it is a bit more appealing to a wider audience. Anonymous poll below, please let me know what you think (o:
Also if you have not had the opportunity to hear the podcast Strangers I encourage you give them a lesson especially the most recent episode featuring our love story and tragedy. I have embedded it below for your convenience but you can find it on itunes or wherever you find podcasts.