Thanksgiving (without her)

5 Months and 3 Days

Always thought this picture would be a great album cover

Sharry, baby girl, how am I supposed to approach the holidays without you?! We were supposed to be excitedly preparing Buhanan-Decker traditions for our family with our baby boy together...

You loved this time of year and always made October through the New Year such a magical time for me. I still plan to bounce back and forth between the Buhanans and the Deckers with JJ but it obviously will not be the same. I long to watch Pieces of April and It’s a Wonderful Life with you just like we have every single year. And to have pumpkin pie for breakfast with you the days after Thanksgiving. To have all the days off together and cuddle in bed late into the cold night and sleep in holding each other as we wake lazily and chatting and savoring one another. Who’s going to buy me a seasonal supply of almond milk “holiday nog” to be kind to the animals and my body? Who will orchestrate a simple but cute Christmas card to share with our families and close friends? Who will be so excited to drive around nightly with hot cocoa listening to holiday music and looking at lights and then get home to turn off all of the lights except the christmas tree and have a BD family fireplace cuddle? Who will gift wrap all the presents by recycling old newspapers and taking the time to thoughtfully match the pictures and articles with the person receiving the gift? Sharry approaching the holidays without you fills me with such agonizing aching in my chest where I miss you like a phantom limb.

One example of the little things Sharry would make and do

Our only Thanksgiving away from home when we taught English in South Korea

But Shar it is Thanksgiving and a time to attempt to be grateful. Yet it is so difficult when 2016 has proven to be a tormentous hell. As much as I loathe this year I must admit that there are things in my life to be grateful for. JJ is my best friend who I love far more than my own life. I love cuddling him close at the end of the day and picturing you there with both of us looking on. He is happy (most of the time), cute all of the time and his health has outperformed all the early fearful expectations.

I am grateful for my new job and as much as I miss my old job I love my co workers and especially my students who I have been blessed to have enter my life and allow me to work and serve as their counselor.

Our families are amazing and JJ is so fortunate to be immersed with such bounteous, generous and deep love. I literally would not be surviving without them, most specifically our two moms. How did we get so lucky Shar?

I have had more kindnesses bestowed upon from friends and even strangers than I can count. People can be so good especially in the face of such tragedy and pain. I am incredibly grateful to counselors and spiritual guides who have taught, counseled and comforted.

I have had many opportunities to share our love, lovesharred you might say. Your blog name choice has proven more true than we would ever have possibly imagined. My favorite thing to talk about (as it has been for the last 12 years) is still you only now you’re not here to prevent me from babbling on too much. I talk about you with new and old friends, family, strangers, students and even quite a few news outlets. Let lovesharred reign haha.

Flying Lanterns for the new year, another Shar idea

As is always and forever the case though Shar you are what I am primarily grateful for. I sincerely doubt that there is anyone who has undergone such a horrible tragedy that is left with so much goodness to remember their lost soul mate. And it is entirely a testament to you. Our powerful memories from the small cuddles to the grand adventures float around my mind ceaselessly. The pictures of you, of us, that I always resisted I now cherish as some of my most prized possessions. Your art. Your art in all of its forms is so full of creativity, life, passion and love. Love for all living things and love for me, your soulmate. Your drawings, paintings, music, recordings, journals and writings bring tears of gratitude and loss whenever my ears, eyes or mind come upon them. Thank you so much for leaving me so much to cherish and remember and to pass on to JJ as I teach him about his extraordinary angel mama. Thank you finally for searing your legacy of compassion, goodness, and vitality onto my heart and soul.

Miss you more than you can ever know but I pray our love, our bond will help us to connect now and forever.

#livelikeShar

Saint Sharry, angel of compassion

150 Days without my best friend, my other half, in a new broken life

I have found a measure of purpose to my life. JJ, our Buhanan-Decker baby boy, is of course my exhausting, yet delightful, primary anchor to this existence. But in recent days and weeks I have been awakened to a new additional meaning to my life and connection to Sharry. In a world plagued by pain, loss, apathy, division, violence, bigotry, distrust, suffering and negativity I aim to live a life that both embodies and teaches compassion and empathy.

"make love not money," the type of signs Shar would make for protests and marches. Life>Profit/things

Sharry, as usual, is my inspiration. She was born with her heart on her sleeve and literally could not help but to be compassionate. I love the word compassion. Com=with, passion=suffer, to suffer with. Empathy is the key to unlock the depths of compassion because you cannot suffer with someone if you are unable to personally imagine and feel where they come from or what they are going through. Sharry ached deeply with the lost, sick, hurt and broken things of this world and was usually motivated by that ache to find ways to make a difference with her voice, creativity, feet, time and/or money.  

Sharry regularly wrote about compassion and making a difference in her journals

A memory (one of many) that shows Sharry’s compassion in action is one time we were driving down the road in Salt Lake City and Sharry saw some kind of little bird that had obviously lost its ability to fly and had ended up near a road. We were not in the lane closest to it but after a couple of blocks driving she overcame my resistance and convinced me to turn around so she could attempt to save the life in danger. Unfortunately we were too late and the bird had been struck dead. That experience haunted Sharry.

she did

Shar loved this quote and idea

Sharry had been a strict vegetarian for 7+ years because she could not bear to think of bringing pain to any kind of living creature. Any friend or family member that had the opportunity to know Sharry knew that she would never hurt another’s feelings purposefully. She could not bear to because in hurting others she herself would be racked with pain...even when done accidentally.

Her motivations in life can be summarized entirely by simply saying she wanted to deeply experience life through meaningful relationships & experiences and by a passion to make the world a better place for all living things.

"Never be Silent find your voice for animals"

Sharry is a Saint of Compassion and an angel of empathy and together the BD3 will make heaven and earth a more loving place. We will do this by standing up to hatred and division with kindness, inclusiveness and understanding. Our trio will reach out toward pain and suffering with our own broken hearts and tears fueled by our love for each other and living beings everywhere. Sharry and I are connected now not only by our deep soul mate bond and love for our beautiful baby boy but through a purpose and mission that I pray reaches beyond the grave. #livelikeShar

Close with some BD boys pics 😀

Sharry's 5 ??s

143 Days
When I was in California I hit a difficult milestone when I read my very last new to me Sharry journal. Of course I will reread these in the future and I’m sure new things will stand out to me but they will never be completely new again. In the last few pages of this particular journal she asked herself five powerful questions. I want to share these along with minimal commentary in red. Sharry was so reflective, and so damn good, always aspiring to be better..she is forever an inspiration to me.

35 Weeks

What is true about yourself today that would make your 8 year old self cry?

Not writing enough

Lack of religion, community and friends

Lack of play, too much work

Not enjoying life enough

Failing to savor

Not enough time outside

My sadness

Losing my amazing best friend

Agree with Shar’s

What is true about yourself that would make your 8 year old self proud?

Writing (at least some)

Traveled the world

Working for a non profit

Civil rights, activism, marching, protesting, writing letter to the editor/representatives

Reduce, reuse, recycle

Getting through struggle & loss, rising to the challenge and standing in the fire with people

Reading (lots of reading)

Art, journaling, guitar, singing, sewing, close family ties, game night, ***love for learning, talented, healthy, master’s degree, adventurous

Loving animals, good lookin, funny, smart, loving.

Music festivals, hippie love, idealism, trying to make a difference

*Married to the love of my life.*

AMEN

What makes you forget to eat???

Art! When I’m in the middle of an art project days and nights could fly by without food or water. I wouldn’t notice. This actually includes, graphic design stuff, event/future planning, reading, writing, playing and listening to music and creative projects.

"Mother and Child" - Klimt, all I want for Christmas this year is Shar's art and some of her faves framed

How am I going to save the world?

Art and activism

Writing a few awesome books that no one except Jared may ever read (little did she know you all would be reading her words), painting meaningful & unique pictures, easing the suffering of others. Isn’t she so good??

If you were going to die one year from today, what would you do and how would you want to be remembered? Oh man isn’t this one so incredibly difficult???

This question has become so much more real to me after losing Mark. (Her older brother who passed 3 years ago) I think about this everyday, and I wonder all of the adventure and love that Mark has missed. So, the first thing I would do is treasure my loved ones and tell them how much I care and how sorry I will be to miss spending time with them - to miss meeting their future babies, to miss seeing their successes, to miss eating a piece of pie with them on Thanksgiving Day. So real and present now even though she wrote this a year and a half ago!

My second thought would be to notice the amazing beauty in our daily lives. Powerful message for me.

When Mark got sick, all of my senses were heightened and I can still remember the smooth, slick tile in the hospital hallway, and the gray colored parking lot view from the 8th story window.

Somehow, a realization of death brings an awareness of life. And I would like to soak all of those senses into my skin until I can no longer feel anything, and my cells have turned cold.

And finally, I would like to experience as much of life as I could squeeze into one final year, and one final day. To spend more time writing, and reading, and painting, and learning, and travelling, and singing, and dancing.
Life is a choreographed dance with death.
#LivelikeShar #Live4Shar

Halloween XII: memories & soulmates

Sharry and I always considered Halloween our first anniversary. October 31, 2004 was the day we had our first kiss and from that point on we were pretty much inseparable for what would have been 12 years this Halloween. I was her first and only kiss, if you can belief that, and she was my third. It is important to note that I don’t really count my first as it was in middle school and after encountering my skilled lips the girl said “ummm...it’s ok maybe some guys just aren’t meant to kiss”...so really Shar was number 2 haha.

1st Halloween

October and specifically Halloween were always times of fun, haunted houses, family, costumes, treats, scares and celebration. For multiple Octobers we would watch a scary movie almost every night (or Simpson’s Tree House of Horror episodes) which would lead to us being so afraid by the end of the month that we would take turns waking each other up out of fear, despite leaving the lights on, and just giggling (or let’s be honest sometimes arguing) groggily into the early morning.

Dressing up together occurred every year. Our first time we aimed to be Rogue and Gambit (X-Men) but couldn’t pull it off so we were matching Batmans. Other highlights include: Mario & Luigi, Penny Lane (Almost Famous) & Bob Dylan, Holly Golightly, Aragorn & Arwen (LoTR), Shaggy & Velma, Ghosts (we did this so we could trick or treat at the ripe age of 24 and 21), and last year a scarecrow & a black cat.

I do not know how I am going to make it through the holidays without her. Sharry LOVED the Holidays. Of course there was always a bit of frustration and disappointment but overall she loved celebration and October through New Years bring plenty to celebrate.

She enriched my life in innumerable ways.

Recently I reread one of Shar’s blogs that touched me deeply and kind of left me reeling. In it Shar writes of our first meeting from her point of view and does so beautifully and the preface is a quote by Emily Bronte, “Whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”  This made me think of something else she wrote in her personal bucket list so heartbreaking (now) in how she describes the depth of our love and connection. “I’ve never met another soul so suited to mine, another person so connected to me, or another human I never seem to tire of. My life of love and adventure, art and literature, family and friends- begins and ends with him. The longer we are together, the more my heart becomes a part of his and molds into one, somewhat unhealthy, enlarged pumping organ that cannot be separated without killing both.”

I ache excruciatingly for the missing, greater half of my heart, of my soul.

I haven’t had a “happy day” since JJ’s birthday. Happy minutes and hours? Thanks to my job, JJ and family fortunately yes, but not an entire day that felt pre 6/16 level good throughout. Will that come? I imagine so. Do I want that? sometimes.

For 12 years (minus 137 days) we lived as one.

For 4,243 days we were mutually obsessed with each other. With a conservative estimate we probably kissed at least 127,300 times! (and yes that math checks out, cheesy TMI we would do clusters of little kisses upon saying farewell and reuniting each day)

She was usually the top thing that my mind would return to. What is Sharry doing? Remember that awesome ______ with Sharry? Isn’t she amazing for XYZ…? Can’t wait to see baby girl after work. Think of point X in the future and Sharry is the keystone of the plans.

Healthy? No. Did it work for us? I was incredibly happy, fulfilled and utterly, completely in love.

(To be clear of course my mind had other obsessions that included but were not limited to: video games, my students, climate change action, Bernie Sanders and food among others but Sharry was always the premier event.)

Try undoing a happy yet entrenched habit that you have had in place for 12 years... to this day 4.5 months since seeing her face and holding her hand she is still the headliner in my mind’s stage. Throughout the day when my mind wanders inevitably it returns to her.

Like a planet with a missing sun I have no orbit. I am drifting in space.

Fortunately I have my little star. My up and coming band. But just because you have Justin Timberlake (obviously don’t know who’s hot with staying power right now) doesn’t mean you don’t desperately miss The Beatles.

Pumpkin & Corn on the cob

My Sister Jen took these awesome 4 month pics

California Dreamin

For my fall break this year I was able to make a pilgrimage of sorts to the sunny shores of California. Sharry and I always loved going on vacations to California. Our very first “trip” together when were dating was a trip to the Pacific ocean and back within 24 hours. Our parents weren’t the biggest fans of us staying the night together and we were good kids. So we left right after 3 AM drove way too fast and made it to Malibu beach before 8 AM California time, it was a fun and exhausting day. Sharry would tease me that I may be her one true love but the beach and pacific ocean were her first love.

Sleeping in the car in one of our many Cali trips

Bumming it up at the beach

Over our years together we typically would visit some part of California annually. These visits covered a wide range of fun activities which included but are not limited to: lots of beaches, beach camping, honeymoon, driving up and down the 101, snorkeling, boogie boarding, beach campfires, kissing while driving, amusement parks, national parks, lots of concerts, Bob Dylan, Joan Baez (who we hung out with afterward thanks to Shar’s persistence), Crosby Stills Nash and Young, Coachella Festival 2x, Hardly Strictly Bluegrass festival 2x, family visits, family trips, tons of good food, visiting University campuses and dreaming of amazing grad schools, many museums, attending synagogue, meditating at buddhist temples, Tijuana, intense sunburns, super sunsets, great road trip tunes, vacation fights & vacation makeups, Chargers’ preseason game, Padres’ game, sleeping in the car, sleeping in ghetto motels, getting lost and loving it and so much more that I’m sure Shar could add to my foggy memory.

Museum of contemporary art

I wanted to revisit what has become hallowed ground enshrined within Shar’s journals and my memories. So thanks to an amazing Mom (JJ’s grandma) I was able to make my first ever solo road trip. I loaded up Shar’s California playlist, some audiobooks on near death experiences and hit the road. (here’s a spotify version of Shar’s Cali tunes). It was a tough trip with many tears shed but I’m very glad I had the opportunity to do it.

For the majority of my trip I felt like a ghost. I did not seek out human interactions and as a weird looking single dude not too many people looked my way either. In fact I spoke far more to Sharry than any other living human. The only human I spoke more than a sentence to for the first part of my pilgrimage was a psychic which probably still fits within the realm of “ghostly behavior” haha.

Snorkeling in La Jolla

Hardly Strictly Bluegrass

After the long drive there (far less enjoyable than road trips in the past btw) I headed to La Jolla near San Diego. My first visit was the San Diego LDS temple where I walked around the beautiful sunny grounds and reminisced about doing the same thing with Sharry a couple of times. Next I headed to La Jolla Cove one of our go to spots. I was both to sad and cold for snorkeling but loved walking up and down the coast people and seal watching. I also finished my very last Sharry journal there which is such a difficult and sad thing for me. In an upcoming post I’ll share more wisdom from that account. Then following our footsteps from a few years past I walked to the Museum of Contemporary Art where I soaked in photography for political action, modern installations, sculptures and a beautiful garden grounds. I would close my eyes look back in time and imagine Sharry there with me. In fact I would do this throughout the trip even reaching out my hand to hold her imaginary fingers.

Me 2016

Sharry 2012

Finishing Shar's journal

Next I decided to check something off of Sharry’s bucket list, “consult a clairvoyant gypsy.” I googled psychics in San Diego and found one with the best sounding written reviews. I went in thinking this would be an interesting and unique form of entertainment and it ended up being a comforting and spiritual experience. At some point maybe I’ll write a post about this interesting experience.

At the end of the day I returned to our beach campfire spot on Coronado island with its soft sands to watch the sunset and walk along the lapping waves. There was a beautiful little wedding happening on the beach as well that was beautiful to watch.

Friday morning after sleeping in I went to visit Balboa Park and to visit the beautiful ground and many of the beautiful museums. Then I revisited the first Thai restaurant that Sharry and I ever went to years ago in San Diego that began a life long love affair with this delicious food.

Balboa Park

Then I drove up the 101 to Irvine California to visit with Sharry's awesome brother his wife, and their cute kiddos. It's always great to get some Buhanan time in any day and in such a beautiful location this is of course magnified. We ate good food, went to a few beaches, saw beautiful sights and reminisced. I love me some Buhanans.

After Irvine I headed up to one of Sharry's favorite museums ever, "The Getty." Beautiful gardens and inspirational art made me emotional in my third visit (first without Sharry) to the gigantic museum.

Our 2005 visit to the Getty

2016 solo visit

Really enjoyed these. Made me emotional applying it to my life. Top right an old couple, what we always hoped for. Bottom right, a woman surrounded by family in bed, what I hope Sharry has now in her current existence. Top right a man in a wheel chair, how I feel without my other half.

Eve. I feel like Adam without an Eve. 

Finally to end my pilgrimage I desperately wanted to track down our very first contact with the beach together on Malibu beach and after searching up and down the coast I found it!

2005

Over 11 years later, found the whale tale bench

Overall it was a very difficult trip with many tears and intimate conversations with God and Sharry but it was a very positive experience and on the last day I could not wait to get home and see our baby boy. When I made it home I ran downstairs with him to cry, hold and love on him.