5 Months and 3 Days
|Always thought this picture would be a great album cover|
Sharry, baby girl, how am I supposed to approach the holidays without you?! We were supposed to be excitedly preparing Buhanan-Decker traditions for our family with our baby boy together...
You loved this time of year and always made October through the New Year such a magical time for me. I still plan to bounce back and forth between the Buhanans and the Deckers with JJ but it obviously will not be the same. I long to watch Pieces of April and It’s a Wonderful Life with you just like we have every single year. And to have pumpkin pie for breakfast with you the days after Thanksgiving. To have all the days off together and cuddle in bed late into the cold night and sleep in holding each other as we wake lazily and chatting and savoring one another. Who’s going to buy me a seasonal supply of almond milk “holiday nog” to be kind to the animals and my body? Who will orchestrate a simple but cute Christmas card to share with our families and close friends? Who will be so excited to drive around nightly with hot cocoa listening to holiday music and looking at lights and then get home to turn off all of the lights except the christmas tree and have a BD family fireplace cuddle? Who will gift wrap all the presents by recycling old newspapers and taking the time to thoughtfully match the pictures and articles with the person receiving the gift? Sharry approaching the holidays without you fills me with such agonizing aching in my chest where I miss you like a phantom limb.
|One example of the little things Sharry would make and do|
|Our only Thanksgiving away from home when we taught English in South Korea|
But Shar it is Thanksgiving and a time to attempt to be grateful. Yet it is so difficult when 2016 has proven to be a tormentous hell. As much as I loathe this year I must admit that there are things in my life to be grateful for. JJ is my best friend who I love far more than my own life. I love cuddling him close at the end of the day and picturing you there with both of us looking on. He is happy (most of the time), cute all of the time and his health has outperformed all the early fearful expectations.
I am grateful for my new job and as much as I miss my old job I love my co workers and especially my students who I have been blessed to have enter my life and allow me to work and serve as their counselor.
Our families are amazing and JJ is so fortunate to be immersed with such bounteous, generous and deep love. I literally would not be surviving without them, most specifically our two moms. How did we get so lucky Shar?
I have had more kindnesses bestowed upon from friends and even strangers than I can count. People can be so good especially in the face of such tragedy and pain. I am incredibly grateful to counselors and spiritual guides who have taught, counseled and comforted.
I have had many opportunities to share our love, lovesharred you might say. Your blog name choice has proven more true than we would ever have possibly imagined. My favorite thing to talk about (as it has been for the last 12 years) is still you only now you’re not here to prevent me from babbling on too much. I talk about you with new and old friends, family, strangers, students and even quite a few news outlets. Let lovesharred reign haha.
|Flying Lanterns for the new year, another Shar idea|
As is always and forever the case though Shar you are what I am primarily grateful for. I sincerely doubt that there is anyone who has undergone such a horrible tragedy that is left with so much goodness to remember their lost soul mate. And it is entirely a testament to you. Our powerful memories from the small cuddles to the grand adventures float around my mind ceaselessly. The pictures of you, of us, that I always resisted I now cherish as some of my most prized possessions. Your art. Your art in all of its forms is so full of creativity, life, passion and love. Love for all living things and love for me, your soulmate. Your drawings, paintings, music, recordings, journals and writings bring tears of gratitude and loss whenever my ears, eyes or mind come upon them. Thank you so much for leaving me so much to cherish and remember and to pass on to JJ as I teach him about his extraordinary angel mama. Thank you finally for searing your legacy of compassion, goodness, and vitality onto my heart and soul.
Miss you more than you can ever know but I pray our love, our bond will help us to connect now and forever.