Saturday, November 19, 2016

Thanksgiving (without her)

5 Months and 3 Days
Always thought this picture would be a great album cover
Sharry, baby girl, how am I supposed to approach the holidays without you?! We were supposed to be excitedly preparing Buhanan-Decker traditions for our family with our baby boy together...
You loved this time of year and always made October through the New Year such a magical time for me. I still plan to bounce back and forth between the Buhanans and the Deckers with JJ but it obviously will not be the same. I long to watch Pieces of April and It’s a Wonderful Life with you just like we have every single year. And to have pumpkin pie for breakfast with you the days after Thanksgiving. To have all the days off together and cuddle in bed late into the cold night and sleep in holding each other as we wake lazily and chatting and savoring one another. Who’s going to buy me a seasonal supply of almond milk “holiday nog” to be kind to the animals and my body? Who will orchestrate a simple but cute Christmas card to share with our families and close friends? Who will be so excited to drive around nightly with hot cocoa listening to holiday music and looking at lights and then get home to turn off all of the lights except the christmas tree and have a BD family fireplace cuddle? Who will gift wrap all the presents by recycling old newspapers and taking the time to thoughtfully match the pictures and articles with the person receiving the gift? Sharry approaching the holidays without you fills me with such agonizing aching in my chest where I miss you like a phantom limb.
One example of the little things Sharry would make and do

Our only Thanksgiving away from home when we taught English in South Korea
But Shar it is Thanksgiving and a time to attempt to be grateful. Yet it is so difficult when 2016 has proven to be a tormentous hell. As much as I loathe this year I must admit that there are things in my life to be grateful for. JJ is my best friend who I love far more than my own life. I love cuddling him close at the end of the day and picturing you there with both of us looking on. He is happy (most of the time), cute all of the time and his health has outperformed all the early fearful expectations.

I am grateful for my new job and as much as I miss my old job I love my co workers and especially my students who I have been blessed to have enter my life and allow me to work and serve as their counselor.

Our families are amazing and JJ is so fortunate to be immersed with such bounteous, generous and deep love. I literally would not be surviving without them, most specifically our two moms. How did we get so lucky Shar?

I have had more kindnesses bestowed upon from friends and even strangers than I can count. People can be so good especially in the face of such tragedy and pain. I am incredibly grateful to counselors and spiritual guides who have taught, counseled and comforted.

I have had many opportunities to share our love, lovesharred you might say. Your blog name choice has proven more true than we would ever have possibly imagined. My favorite thing to talk about (as it has been for the last 12 years) is still you only now you’re not here to prevent me from babbling on too much. I talk about you with new and old friends, family, strangers, students and even quite a few news outlets. Let lovesharred reign haha.

Flying Lanterns for the new year, another Shar idea

As is always and forever the case though Shar you are what I am primarily grateful for. I sincerely doubt that there is anyone who has undergone such a horrible tragedy that is left with so much goodness to remember their lost soul mate. And it is entirely a testament to you. Our powerful memories from the small cuddles to the grand adventures float around my mind ceaselessly. The pictures of you, of us, that I always resisted I now cherish as some of my most prized possessions. Your art. Your art in all of its forms is so full of creativity, life, passion and love. Love for all living things and love for me, your soulmate. Your drawings, paintings, music, recordings, journals and writings bring tears of gratitude and loss whenever my ears, eyes or mind come upon them. Thank you so much for leaving me so much to cherish and remember and to pass on to JJ as I teach him about his extraordinary angel mama. Thank you finally for searing your legacy of compassion, goodness, and vitality onto my heart and soul.

Miss you more than you can ever know but I pray our love, our bond will help us to connect now and forever.


  1. Writing a college final paper at 1:45 in the morning and I don't know how I even came across this, but I know it's almost divine. Praying for you and JJ tonight.. I can't even imagine the pain of such a loss, but I know that God can grant purpose and hope through it all.

    11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11

    Thank you for being vulnerable. Thank you for sharing the beauty of your wife's life. I hope to find a love like yours.

    1. Jasmine thank you for your prayers and sharing that powerful scripture and continuing "lovesharred" brings a lot of therapeutic meaning to my life so thank you for reading and commenting.

  2. Also, Sharry is incredibly beautiful - inside and out. What a blessing she is!

  3. Jared,
    I admire your courage and strength to share all the great things about Sherry's life. I too lost my wife this past April to a rare form of Kidney Cancer that spread fast. At times it's difficult to share with others as I was left by myself no kids, no pets, just memories. It can be a lonely journey loosing your best friend and wife of 8
    I thought it was important for me to share that you're not alone. I can't tell you why these things happen to good people but those that are left must be able handle what we bare. Being a windower not a title or group that either of us chose to be in, but since we are here let me offer my support to you. I'm sure you're strong and will be a great dad for JJ, that's the best tribute that Sharry would want.

    Much Love,
    John Bronson

    1. John I am so so sorry for your loss. Life is so incredibly difficult, shitty and unfair at times. I appreciate knowing that there are others out there with such loss and heartbreak. Thanks for your love and support and I hope you have friends and family around for the holidays. Love sincerely a brother in suffering.

  4. Jared, I stumbled across your blog and have been tearfully reading through it for the past hour. I read some of your wife's posts also and she sounds like an amazing individual. The love and memories you have together are beautiful. I have been inspiredoing by your words to make my husband and children first in my life. To cherish the time I have with them, even if the dishes have to wait...or the laundry piles up, or the house gets a little dusty. Sometimes life gets so busy that I forget to cherish those I love the most. So thank you for your beautiful memories that have helped me to remember what is most important. I am so glad you aren't blaming God for all of this. The real culprit is the devil, and he would love to make you think God did this . The truth is, God loves Sharry even more then you do (if that is possible!) The Bible says when we die it is just a sleep and when Jesus comes to get us at the 2nd coming (which will be very soon I believe as the prophecies in the Bible are rapidly being fulfilled ) He will wake up those who have passed away and loved Him and trusted in His salvation . Then we will be reunited with our loved ones who have been torn from us by death. I don't know where Sharry stood in her relationship with God but it sounds like she was letting the Holy Spirit lead her life by her words and actions. So you have the hope to see her again, very soon, and be her husband in a much better, happier place where there shall be "no more tears, or sorrow, or pain, or death." I will be praying for you and JJ.

  5. You are an amazing person and father. Your son is all the better because of what you are giving to him.
    Bless Sharry and your beautiful family.
    - an internet stranger

  6. Hi. I heard your story on the Strangers podcast and I've been stalking your blog ever since. I was born and raised in the Mormon tradition and my mom passed away this past September after a decade long battle with early onset Alzheimer's. While some of my family found strength in Mormonism, I found my strength in science and humanism and therefore, our grieving process has been different. I noticed that because of the belief of eternal families, people aren't allowed to grieve normally. I know that some people view it as a lack of faith. Ever since I heard your story I've just wanted to tell you that you should never feel self-conscious about your grief. You have suffered a major loss and you should take the time you need to feel better. Anyway, I'm very sorry about your loss and I wish you way more than luck in your future. Thanks for sharing your story.

  7. Being surrounded by loved ones and good things is a gift in itself, without which no occasion would make much sense to the world.