Sucky Saturday

Today sucked! I mean obviously the last little bit for the BD3 life has been shitty but for whatever reason today was sooo tough. I guess I have a few ideas why:

• I finished the last of Sharry’s delicious watermelon sorbet, she made it right before JJ’s bday and I’ve been chipping away at it almost sacramentally and today I finished it off. I think that is the last digestible item that Sharry made that I will be able to enjoy. I don’t know her exact recipe but this one seems right from my memory helping her make it. It’s a wonderful summer treat.
• Change. I hate changes and I am hitting so many big ones all at once
• Losing a spouse/soul mate/best friend/inspiration
• First baby, JJ rocks, owns my heart and is so critical to my life but I don’t know what the heck I’m doing and feel like he will get like 25% the goodness his life trajectory was once on which is plain unfair and sucktakular
• New job. I LOVE my job at Midvale Middle School. I am in love with the students, my co workers, the parents. Almost everything except schedules...schedules suck. I am leaving MMS to be closer to family in St George. I will miss Midvale and SLC sooo much! Having said that I am very excited and grateful to Dixie HS, change is just rough for me.
• I had to fill out some forms where I marked “single” for the first time in 10 years multiple times
• Moving/selling a house we bought three months ago to move into my parents’ basement, need I say more? Today I packed up just a few items and it’s haunting me already
• New Car. Got a new car yesterday a new-ish Prius but traded in mine and Shar’s 220k Toyota Echo, we put a lot of miles and memories into that car. Sad to see it go but JJ needs something reliable I will be driving a lot to see family and friends and as I mentioned in an earlier post I’m more nervous about everything without Sharry. We went from nearly 480K between two cars to under 25k!
• Today my wonderful photographer sister came and took some infant pictures of JJ. These kind of activities are NOT my cup of tea but Sharry loves that stuff and she wasn’t there
• Sharry was prepared to do 100% cloth diapers, we have over 30 cloth diapers ready to rock and roll with an intricate system to even have it work on the road. JJ wore cloth diapers for the first time today and they were gross but not that gross. Nonetheless not fun to do without Shar. Don’t worry all of you helping out w/ JJ his bubby will be the only one that has to worry about this!
• My mom, JJ and I took a drive up big cottonwood canyon which was tough for multiple reasons.
• Sharry and I loved going up the canyons, hiking, exploring, camping and cooling off..very difficult but important to do without her.
• Also it was heart wrenching to see all of the happy young families playing out in nature. Camping trips, hikes, campfires, nature watching/savoring have been huge items on the regular BD activity list and we were supposed to introduce all of them to JJ together as our own happy little family
• After our drive we watched a random critically appraised movie on netflix that I had seen before and remember fondly. Of course as in many non explosion type movies a relationship was the central plot...I can’t take anything anymore. The future seems to dark and meaningless.

I of course would be remiss if I ended on such a dour note because there are always some good things going on, silver linings if you will. This morning an amazing church group that is connected with one of Sharry’s coworkers came and whipped our horrible unwieldy yard into shape. I am so grateful to them and for any of them that I did not get an opportunity to say thank you with a big hug. Thank you!

Thank you to everyone again for the outpouring of love and support. It is needed and very appreciated. If I do not respond to you personally please never take that as a personal slight. Know that I am very overwhelmed right now and am what I consider a social introvert. When things are happy and good I do alright with the chit chat and friendly visits but as a general rule I am a person that really keeps a small-ish group of people (that shrunk even smaller over my years with Sharry) that I lean on probably too much for support during those more difficult times and soul searching conversations.

Hopefully tomorrow will be ever so slightly better than today!

🎶 Baby don't worry 🎵

So I’ve mentioned previously that music was a big part of our relationship and for our future JJ hopes. And this is how essentially that broke down. We both LOVED music, listening to it, dancing to it, singing along (not good...actually poor dancing or singing from my direction), going to concerts (she kept a whole journal just for this kind of stuff), festivals, open mic nights and playing.
Let me share what I mean in detail. Sharry played and sang beautifully and very few people ever had the privilege because she was so nervous of criticism and embarrassing herself. In a lot of ways the classic neurotic artist. We would play together every once in awhile which meant she sang and played some of our favorite songs while I poorly plucked along on my banjo and croaked out some lyrics. Yes I had a banjo which brings me WAY back.
When I was “courting” her trying to get her to agree to marry me she was hesitant for many reasons. Primarily among her concerns was the fact that she was so young and that she always saw herself marrying someone she could be in a folk duo with and unmusical me did not seem to be that person. So we got a banjo and I made a valiant effort for a few months and even proposed at the north rim of the Grand Canyon by playing (poorly) a song I wrote on the banjo. Another fun awesome fact about Sharry, she did NOT want an engagement ring but rather a new Yari Alvarez acoustic/electric guitar. She’s so cool and unique! Anyhow once we were married the folk duo never happened because my obvious motivation kind of slipped and Shar’s confidence never grew. Sometimes I seriously wonder (now and also pre JJ) if she would have married a more talented guy if she would’ve had a more happy and fulfilled life. )o:

Picture from the Grand Canyon the day I proposed with my banjo summer of 2006

She recorded a handful of songs though over the 12 years we were together. We always had very poor equipment that brought plenty of frustration to both of us but I think she worked magic with what we had. We even made some silly and sweet music videos to go with some of the songs. Amazingly she posted those to youtube less than 2 weeks before JJ which she was always very nervous to do. I am so so grateful she did! I probably would not have shared those with the world otherwise and her amazing voice and playing would not be heard. My favorite song is actually one she wrote (most were covers) and it is almost prophetic in its words to me, nine years after she wrote it! Below is the music video and I did my best to jot down her lyrics although there are a few parts where I wasn’t sure so they’re in parenthesis. Powerful, comforting, confusing and heartbreaking stuff that I have been listening to at least once daily since JJ’s birthday.

Baby don’t you worry about a thing

It aint no use

So baby don’t you worry about a thing

Let everything loose

Cuz I’ve tried and tried

To let go of this noose

So stop trying to (worry about a thing)

Baby don’t you worry about me

I’ll find my way

Baby don’t you worry about me

I’ve just gotta stay

I’ve been up and down

And found I’m OK

So stop worrying about me

Crying won’t help a thing

I thought you knew

Crying won’t help a thing

It will just make you blue

Because I can’t fix the past

And make our love grow (too)

So stop worrying about a thing

Baby our lights gone out

Darkness is here

Oh baby our light’s gone out

Don’t think of fear

Cuz our flame was lit

When our eyes were clear

So babe

Our lights gone out

Baby softly close that door

You’ve got to go

Softly close that door

Our loves grown old

The day has grown dim

And the night is so cold

Babe close the door

Also bonus second song, not by Sharry but by an artist we saw three different times in concert (documented in her journal haha) “You are your mother’s child” Love it!!

Medical odds and ends

Many people have asked and I’m sure even more are curious wondering “What the hell happened? This kind of stuff isn’t supposed to happen anymore.” And let me say I wholeheartedly agree with both sentiments. Let me share a piece of what they think happened and if we gain any new info from the official autopsy report I’ll be sure to let you know.

From what the doctors are saying and what I observed go down they are pretty sure it was an Amniotic Fluid Embolism, or AFE. To quote www.AFEsupport.org:

Amniotic fluid embolism is most commonly referred to it in its abbreviated form, AFE. Originally defined as a disease in 1941, it remains an unpreventable, unpredictable and often-fatal complication of pregnancy.

AFE is characterized by acute and rapid collapse of mother and/or baby as a result of an allergic-like reaction to amniotic fluid entering the maternal circulatory system. It is important to note that many laboring mothers have amniotic fluid or fetal debris enter into their circulatory system and do not suffer such a response. It is most generally defined as a two-phase response:

The first phase is characterized by rapid respiratory failure and cardiac arrest. It is noted most fatalities from AFE occur during the first phase.

The second phase is known as the hemorrhagic phase. The mother begins to bleed profusely at the wound site; typically at the site of placental attachment or cesarean incision. Disseminated intravascular coagulopathy (DIC) or consumptive coagulopathy develops, which prevent coagulation.

Pretty freaking scary right!? The BD3 won some kind of sick and twisted lottery. I never even considered losing Sharry to be a possibility. In fact even as they wheeled her out of the room with a pack of doctors flooding in from the announced “code blue.” I was scared to death but mostly for the baby’s well being it never even crossed my mind that my sweet sweets who I was cuddling with in a hospital bed literally minutes earlier could be at risk. Obviously I was completely off. An impressive team of doctors and nurses did their best to save Shar but after doing everything they could (CPR, blood transfusions, surgery) it was clear that she was not going to make it past her baby’s birthday. I long to know if she at least saw JJ for a second OR somehow their souls kissed as she saved her beloved baby’s life.

They were able to have JJ out by emergency cesarean within five minutes of his mama’s collapse. This is critical because I have learned when a woman’s life is at risk one of the first areas to lose oxygen and blood flow is the uterus and in this case JJ. Sharry and the doctors saved his life. Based on early blood work and his trauma at birth they categorized JJ as likely severe brain damage. They placed him immediately into “induced hypothermia” where essentially they cool his core temperature for 72 hours to slow down his metabolism hoping to halt or slow any possible brain, lung or heart damage. It is a relatively new technique where they have seen amazing results with newborns who have traumatic births. On top of losing Sharry it was salt in the wound to not be able to hold JJ but watch him shivering hooked up to all sorts of respiratory, nutritional and diagnostic cords and tubes.

After 3 days they gradually warmed him and I was able to hold him on Father’s day but the verdict was still out on what kind of brain complications we are working with. On the day of the funeral viewing they were doing the MRI. My mom and I waited to be with JJ before and after the magnetic imaging knowing that we would not be able to know the results until after we returned from the funeral. One of the nurses afterward told us that she felt so at peace in the MRI room and that she really thinks Sharry was there with JJ, again all I can say is “I hope, I hope, I hope.” As we left the NICU to head to the funeral in St George one of the Nurse Practitioners came running after us which provoked an “oh shit” response from both my mom and I. She saw our faces and immediately assured us it was good news. The doctor who assesses MRIs had called and they saw no evidence of brain damage and she would not need to see JJ for four months! What a miraculous turn around to go from possible severe brain damage to zero evidence. To be totally clear this does NOT mean 100% JJ will have zero complications from this tragic entrance into the world but it is a great sign.

As I’ve kind of hinted at before I don’t really know where I stand for sure with God, the afterlife and all of that jazz but I hope, I hope, I hope that Sharry has been and will continue to be her beautiful baby’s guardian angel and that all of the hundreds and possibly thousands of prayers and good vibes sent our way through social media are in fact making a difference.

We are on night number two with JJ out of the NICU and honestly and truly I miss it. They staff of nurses, doctors and medical professionals have been incredibly capable, kind and compassionate. I am going to miss the nights when I could not sleep at 3 am so I went into JJ’s room to find a loving and supportive angel in scrubs watching out over him who would comfort and console his grieving bubby. As we checked out of the NICU yesterday I think we gave at least two dozen hugs to people we were incredibly grateful to, a mismatched family brought together under unspeakable tragedy.

JJ update. He is doing well. He is sticking to his NICU training of eating every 3 hours from a combination of formula and donated breast milk from some pretty awesome family members. Lola his big sister who happens to be a kitty has accepted him more than I hoped. It is freaking hard to be home in our house with the nursery that Sharry prepared without her. She knew how all the baby stuff was organized and what we would need when. In fact I am sleeping on the couch while my super supportive parents sleep downstairs. My mom and I are alternating who takes care of JJ which night so at least one of us could make an attempt at a good night’s sleep. Tonight is my night!

Day Twelve

I am doing what a new friend suggested. Instead of looking up Shar’s pics/writing/etc that wreck me at night I will do some more of my own writing laying in bed at 2 AM.

JJ is 12 days old and I have been without my baby girl for 12 days as well. That will always be weird, uncomfortable and a little ironic. From watching nieces and nephews grow old I’ve noted how at first you count using days and weeks. “She is 12 days old.” “He is 7 weeks.” At no other time is it the norm to keep track of time this way. Eventually we move to longer time measurements of months and eventually as most big boys and girls do, onto years. Whenever someone asks how old my little best friend is it will also be a countdown from the moment I said goodbye to his angelic mama. Over time when we switch to those longer time periods will the days not be numbing and nights hellish? I can’t say if I even would want that.

In our almost 10 years of marriage I think we literally spent 7 nights apart...total, Four nights in DC last year lobbying for the Earth. One or two nights to say good-bye to my grandma Decker in Arizona before she passed. One night sleeping over with my brothers playing video games. One night where Sharry went camping with a nature writing class. Twelve days is a new freaking record, by a long shot, tomorrow will beat that, and the next day will continue beating records until the days turn into weeks, into months and into years just like our baby boy JJ.

JJ is doing fabulously and will hopefully be out Wednesday or Thursday. Of course I had another rough day and even tougher night but there were sprinkles of goodness. NICU nurses. Amazing co-workers who visited and literally offer me a roof over my head. Two of my students, who I love and adore, have been anxiously waiting for baby news throughout the year came to meet JJ with their awesome mamas. Watched “the Bachelorette” with my mom and brother because Sharry and I used to love to do this (I even was running a fantasy league!). But tonight the horribly well done trashy tv just couldn’t hold my attention or any enthusiasm. Media in its myriad of forms tastes ashen...except for music. I used to have such zest and enthusiasm for great and terrible shows, movies, video games, news articles, books, etc. but for 12 days now I think I have watched 3 hours of tv, read like 40 pages in a book for widows, listened to no podcasts (I’m sure my queue is huge), checked the news zero times (I doubt I’ve missed much, I heard about Brexit from family and hope Bernie is still planning on the convention), played zero video games, and listened to hours and hours of music. Those are all definitely records too. All silly stupid things I did with Sharry. We read together almost every night, out loud together and independently in bed. Of course as many couples do we watched countless hours of all sorts of tv/movies, some inspiring and enthralling others kind of fun crap (The Bachelorette etc). Even video games Shar always said she preferred to some other possible hobbies because we can sit on the couch together while she writes/reads/Instagrams/creates and I fight baddies in virtual worlds. Of course she hated the violent types (not very Ahimsa) and would rather I be a creator like her but as long as we were sitting together it was good. I’m sure the flavor and enjoyment will gradually come back but do any of those things really matter?? To quote Sharry in one of her hidden Easter eggs

“No matter how easy entertainment is to access in this digital age, these are mostly distractions from real-life experiences. Of course, real life has a lot more struggle and hardship than easy entertainment, but it is this living, this living, this living- that gives us meaning.”

Man that was a big Bachelorette tangent! After the Bachelorette the sun was down and like clockwork darkness entered my mind and heart. But then three surprisingly great (with a lowercase g) things happened. I called a friend, while lying in the empty hospital parking lot, who has been reaching out...probably my last best pre Sharry friend and his words were incredibly comforting. At 11pm I told my friend goodbye because it was JJ feeding time. I went in to the NICU and Sharry’s sister was there holding JJ and I love surprise Buhanan sightings. Then the moment that has gave me the biggest smile in 12 days, our extraordinary NICU nurse taught me how to give a swaddle bath. JJ LOVED his little spa time, he was so adorable as he literally soaked it in with all the pleasure and contentment a 12 day old possibly could...I just hope Sharry was there seeing the magical moment.

Tomorrow is my half birthday and I just had a shared calendar update pop up on my computer “Jared’s ½ birthday bash.” My real birthday is December 29th which sucks and growing up I always wanted to switch to June but no family members would comply until I met Sharry. She happily skipped my December day and would throw amazing June 29th bashes. Hopefully she can help make it happen again by busting JJ out on his 13th day on Earth and my 33rd and a half.

WTF Life!?

What is someone to do when they just lost their soul mate of 12 years in child birth to their first miracle baby?

• Stay up alone late at night every freaking night because your heart is beating through your chest even though it feels completely empty and broken
• Cry more tears than you ever knew possible
• Name your baby James but call him “JJ” because that was the pre-release “code” name that his angel mom called him from the moment she learned his gender and never had the opportunity to call him anything else
• Turn to family:
• have your mom hold you like a little baby at 3am as you cry yourself to sleep
• Beg for help in raising a new born
• Get and give lots of hugs
• Fall deeper in love with your wife’s family than ever before
• Dump out any and all alcohol because you know that shit is tempting and can ruin your life even more
• Be afraid. With Sharry I felt like no matter what the future held we would be able to face it and conquer it together. Now, I’m afraid of the dark.
• Turn to all of her family and friends for love, support and connection
• Reach out to your own caring friends from over a decade ago
• Alternate sleepless nights between the NICU with JJ and at home with your first baby who just happens to be a scared and lonely kitty
• Listen to lots and lots of music especially her music (some of her recordings and our Spotify playlists)
• Buy FOUR books for widows and then laugh when the first used copy comes with stickers all over declaring it was previously in a senior center
• Every single morning wake up groggy and hope the nightmare is over
• Realize that people can be extraordinarily generous in the face of tragedy with words, money, food, gifts and time. But also realize there is no way you can ever offer enough gratitude for what has been done.
• Know that this baby is deeply connected to Sharry and as such have an indescribable love and attraction for him. Yet know if given the chance I would trade him in for her ASAP
• Look to the future with total emptiness and loneliness and the only thing you can really look forward to is busting your baby boy out of the NICU
• Know that every baby milestone will be a bit bittersweet as we were supposed to experience it together
• Fear that you are going a tad bit crazy as you often talk to Shar when you are alone. Topics range from prayers, pleading for signs she’s still around and I will see her again someday, to gossip, to the Bachelorette, to what should I do, where should I live, etc
• Finding AMAZING little easter eggs of love and breaking down in tears of gratitude, love and loss every time
• Attempt to absorb the incredible amount of love, prayers, kindness and compassion coming our way and know that, frankly, it is impossible.
• Realize that there is NOT another human being on this entire planet that I would rather trade places with because then I would miss out on 12 years of imperfect bliss. Note also that if I were in fact in another’s shoes I would never want to switch places with myself
• Buy Zelda: Ocarina of time for my 3DS to fill time because when were first dating Sharry was able to coach me over the phone through the whole game without seeing it
• Know that the anger is coming and be nervous about it but right now the sadness, loss and emptiness are just too all encompassing
• Try to live our Buhanan-Decker family philosophy of Ahimsa and to “give a shit,” but know that has never been so difficult
• Gotta up my cute game. Sharry scrapbooked, took pictures, wrote journals, documented big days, planned fun events (big and small). None of the above has really been in my wheelhouse
• Have a deep and longing connection blossom with my childhood LDS faith as I want more than anything to be a forever family with JJ and Sharry with a loving Heavenly Father and Mother. Yet have some big doubts and know that even if my hopes of a forever family are true it doesn’t really take away the sting, loneliness and emptiness from the next 50-60 years
• Be soooo grateful that JJ survived because without him I would have disappeared either into the wilderness, lose myself on the road or have done some serious harm. He is my anchor and my star in an incredibly dark existence.
• Fear greatly for all the future nights that were spent with my best friend forever and wonder how in the world I will fill those up. Tentative plans:
• learn guitar so I can sing and play (poorly) to JJ like his mom was supposed to (not poorly)
• Write, journal, blog
• Baby
• Video games
• Family and friends
• Read
• Connect with nature
• Netflix
• Be so grateful that babies are so needy and take so much time. Once upon a time I was nervous about all the time he would take away from Sharred time but now I’m pretty excited for someone to keep my company in the middle of the night
• Live with regrets
• For all the stupid petty fights and to be honest I would give anything to go through some of them again
• For all the times she wanted to take couple/nature/family pics and you were resistant. What I wouldn’t give for a few dozen more pictures of her!!
• For those many nights when I fell into deep slumber instead of staying up with her as wanted me to stay up and just hang out with her
• For not cherishing her as much as she deserved to be cherished
• For not marrying her twice (she always wanted to have a vow renewal party, but we always put it off) 10th year wedding anniversary (12/28 2016) was supposed to be it
• Spend more time on Facebook than you ever have before because the thoughts, pictures and memories of Sharry shared are little glimmers of heaven and you know soon they will fade away as people move on (as you have for others before) but know that you will never be able to move on and never would even if you could
• All you can do is move one day at a time and hope it is a smidgen better than the last. My goal is 10/10 Hell -> 9.9999/Hell -> 9.9998/10 Hell, ad nauseam
• Find yourself incredibly jealous of other NICU families who have babies in much much worse condition but at least they have each other
• Find out that a NICU can be a fortress of solitude, a home where you feel a measure of peace and incredible support from kind, capable and compassionate medical professionals
• Find yourself at a very difficult professional crossroads. On one hand your dream job where you feel incredibly loved and supported and you have literally fallen in love with hundreds of students and teachers. On the other hand JJ (and I) needs a lot more family support right now and there is a lot more found in other destinations

I will attempt to keep this blog updated. I have a LOT more time to fill than I have in the past and this will be a kind of therapy for me. I will write about the horrible experiences of a young widower. Share Sharry’s wonderful legacy through sharing pics, songs, stories, easter eggs, writings, art, memories and bucket lists. And of course give updates on JJ as he and I continue our adventure through this existence. An existence that can take your breathe away with beauty and wonder (a large part of my last 12 years) or knock the wind right out of you with utter soul breaking tragedy.

PREGNANCY BOOKENDS

it’s sorta uncomfortable to talk about, and honestly even a little weird to think about. and even though jared speaks about it freely, as he does with most topics, for some reason i feel my arms tighten and my shoulders tense when the words “infertility” or “ivf” are mentioned. partly because i don’t like to admit to myself that there was/is an issue, and partly because I don’t want to diminish how fortunate we’ve been.

because thankfully  for us, our story has ended, and in many ways just begun, as a success story.

after a few years of traditional methods, we met with my doctor. she asked if we wanted to work with a fertility clinic, or if we wanted to “take it easy, go slow, see how things go.” we chose to keep it casual. we hadn’t been in any hurry, after ten years together we loved being just the two of us, and we were happy to possibly avoid the cost and stress of going through a specialist. honestly, we were hoping the problem would fix itself or, even better, that there wasn’t really a problem at all.

so, we checked out books, websites, apps. we watched the calendar, stared blankly at cervical mucus, and urinated on little white plastic sticks. sometimes it was actually fun and exciting and i looked forward to rushing to the drug store once a month, grabbing an early pregnancy test and imagining scenarios in which i would surprise jared with the news. more months passed. wanting to avoid whatever shots and hormones, and whatever expensive procedures might be ahead, we met with my ob/gyn again. again, she said we were welcome to visit a fertility specialist, but she would be willing to take us through the first procedures. so, we began working more actively with her, taking some daily hormones and submitting samples. after a few more months went by, she encouraged us to set up an appointment for artificial insemination- a not so romantic medical procedure silimar to traditional reproduction, only done with plastic gloves, tiny catheters, and rinsed sperm. so much for intimacy or tenderness... it got uncomfortable. and then, unfortunately, we set up appointments for the next month and the next. we were officially beat.

we contacted a highly recommended specialist and made an appointment. from the first few diagnostic test, and a discussion of our medical history, without much surprise the doctor recommended ivf.

we checked out new books, read new websites, downloaded new apps. I visited the acupuncturist, consulted the runes, and hiked to the mountaintop. jared started sticking me with needles, we went in for dozens of ultrasounds, and we collected eggs with the zeal of a toddler on easter. then we waited for the 5 day embryo transfer and were shocked to still have 7 healthy high quality blastocysts- one of which we will be meeting sometime in the next few weeks.

i still have a hard time believing that i'm actually pregnant. that i'm actually going to go home with a baby sometime in the near future, and that this baby will be made up of the genes and cells and heart- of us.

from the beginning to the end of this pregnancy, we have been so excited and nervous and grateful. this baby is going to change our lives forever...we're terrified and we can't wait.