Saturday, April 21, 2018

Letter to Sharry at 22 months


I cannot believe it's been 22 months since I last held your hand or heard your voice. I wanted to write you a letter to update you on how life is going. I hope you are already completely aware and if that is the case then this is for me and JJ more than anything. I sincerely believe you still "are" and have had too many amazing coincidences to let doubt overcome. I think that is mostly thanks to you and I wanted to express my gratitude for those profound experiences if that is the case. I pray wherever you are, you are well, that you have meaning, love and goodness perpetually embracing you.

I miss you. Spring is the time of year where I think back to all the anticipation and excitement that we had two years ago. We had just purchased our first house and were a myriad of preparations for our baby boy. Never would we have ever guessed what heartbreaking tragedy would befall our little family. I hope that you always know how deeply you are loved and missed by so many, myself more than all. I sincerely hope with all my heart that we will be united someday and that you continue to be our family's guardian angel.

I am currently in the middle of the second year of "Sharry's treasure", a memorial scholarship and treasure hunt to complete the very last item you added to your bucket list. Students are participating in it and loving it. This activity I hope will teach students to cherish education and nature just a little bit more. I also had the wonderful opportunity to write a children's book, "My angel Mama" with a soul friend who generously did the amazing art, I think and hope you would love it!

Your family is doing well. Lisa just had another baby named Jase! I have yet to meet him but I'm excited for JJ to meet his youngest cousin someday soon. I thoroughly enjoy seeing your parents two days a week when they watch JJ. I think he kind of tires them out but brings so much love and vitality to their lives. It is truly a sacred time when I drop JJ off in the morning with your mom. He loves her so much and snuggles into her immediately. He does tend to boss her around a little bit though. I still do game night with some of your brothers every week which I always look forward to and think they do too.

Lola has more people in her life than she knows what to do with yet she does not get a fraction of the love that you gave her. My mind sometimes goes back to those first few nights when she would just wait by the door for her mom to come home and it absolutely wrecks me. But she is good. She is happy and healthy and has lots of good windows to look out of. Often with other little kids she has no patience but with JJ she is uncharacteristically kind. I think you would love that. She loves Katie too and always wants to sit on her right up against her face haha.

JJ. Just imagining making a report to you about your baby makes me weep. I hope and choose to believe that you know all of this better than I can imagine but I will share a relatively brief update regardless. Sharry he is amazing. I love him so so so much. I never imagined I would love and like a little kid this much.  He is freaking adorable. Some highlights. He has beautiful brown eyes with streaks of blue, long eyelashes, curly strawberry blonde hair, pale skin, and a cute little belly. His personality makes my spirit smile. He loves being outside in nature as much as possible. His favorite activity is throwing rocks and watering plants. He loves reading. He was obsessed with Thomas the Train but has moved on to "bigger kid" stuff like Paw Patrol, and Puppy Pals. He loves playing with other kids. He is a tease. After bath he'll grab his PJs from me and run away giggling his little head off so I chase him. He loves hide and seek and drawing and circle cheese. He plays Nintendo with me and when I beat a level he'll yell "YES" and give me a big high five. One of my very favorite things in life is brining him in from the car when he is asleep as he cuddles into my shoulder...absolute bliss.

I also never knew how stressful a kid could be haha. He just recently started sleeping all the way through the night which has been a huge blessing. He is a bit spoiled and we are working on that. Time out is a heart wrenching activity for both of us. But the good far outweighs the bad and he is definitely at my favorite age so far.

He is surrounded by love. I already mentioned your amazing family. My mom has been his proxy mom and I know you would be pleased with the love, compassion and support she gives him. They have a very special relationship. He loves my dad too and they definitely bring out the crazy and cute in each other. Uncle Josh is one of his favorite people in the whole wide world and I think Josh is a big softy for JJ but I also think living with a baby has probably delayed Josh's having his own kids by a year or two haha. He has an amazing babysitter named Britney that is so so good with him and I never feel at all nervous that he is lacking for care or love in her hands. He also is lucky enough to have a third family that is entering our world. Katie and her family. He loves her and calls her "Mama" already which brings me so much joy. Katie has a younger sister, Maureen or "Mo" for short and she is on the fast track to becoming the favorite aunt or uncle. She plays hide and seek with him and is giving him baby harmonica lessons (kind of haha). Katie's mom, Grandma Jane, also is extraordinary with this unexpected first grandchild in her life. They love to water plants together.
I really cannot imagine a two year old that has so much love in his life and I hope that brings you a measure of comfort and joy.

Katie. Sharry, obviously, this is definitely a bit of a tricky subject but in a world where cataclysmic tragedies and surreal love and magic happen in equal measure I feel I can be open and totally transparent with you. I will always share a profound connection of love with you AND I love Katie from the very depths of my heart. I love you both and seriously consider myself one of the most fortunate people to ever live on this Earth to have two such amazing women grace a silly man like me. LoveSharred continues to expand. I really believe that you, from a higher realm where true and pure love is not tainted by Earthly jealousies, had a hand in bringing her to mine and JJ's life, and if that is the case you chose exceptionally. She is so perfect for your two boys Sharry. She has brought love, light, hope and goodness back into my life in spades. She is beautiful, good, compassionate, fun, adventurous and already a better parent than I am. We have already had many wonderful adventures together and are excitedly planning many more for the years to come. She truly values what is most important in this life, relationships, experiences and learning.

Katie loves me and she loves JJ as her own. We are a complete family with a hopeful and exciting future. I am her person and she is mine. We're getting married June 27th and going to Norway for our honeymoon. I am thrilled for the trip and even more ready to move into together as our little family. There are moments, Sharry, when I watch JJ cuddling up to her that I am just completely overcome by tears. It fits so well. She is a stable loving rock for mine and JJ's more emotional souls. I am so excited for my future with her in this life and beyond which is such an amazing, magical and unlooked for miracle.

Sharry early on in my grief I read somewhere that over time you will be able to think back and remember your lost love and instead of having tears for what is lost you will have a smile of joy and gratitude for what you had. At the time I found that to be incredulous. Now, yes tears still visit at times but more than that a smile and goodness for the life we shared. Thank you for everything. I hope and pray that love, goodness, meaning and light abide with you and that you continue to watch over JJ, Katie and me.

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