People often ask me how I am doing. This can be a very complicated question to process so typically I give them a generic “alright/fine/ok, how are you?” I think to break it down more precisely compared to 9 months ago I’m at like a B+ but compared to a year ago I’m still an F. It is all extremely relative.
One of things that has most helped me work up to my relative B+ is this heartbreaking realization, Sharry literally gave her life for her son, for JJ and our love. To briefly get biblical, “Greater love hath no (wo)man than this, that a (wo)man lay down her life for her friends.” (John 15:13). Sharry gave everything for her baby and the very least I can do is to live my life for our baby. No question this is easier said than done. Just holding this thought and goal in my mind and heart fills me with profound tenderness for JJ and I like to think that at least a portion of where that love comes from is his angel mom filtered through me.
I want to be clear. My life is not sunshine and nonstop JJ and Daddy fun. I struggle. A LOT. The BD3 would not be surviving if it was not for an amazing support network composed of Deckers, Buhanans and the staff and students of my school. I am not very patient, I get grumpy when I’m sleep deprived (serious caffeine addiction in the works), and between my overwhelming grief and learning to be a daddy I often feel so lost and alone. There are nights when I remind myself that JJ would have been far better off if I were the one to die and his angel mama was still here with him rocking him to sleep at night and holding him close to her heart. BTW I really do believe that but obviously it’s not something I need to have my mind dwell on...at all.
But I am trying. JJ and my job, where I’m able to love and help lots of awesome and sometimes frustrating teenagers, are the two reliably great things in my life. I adore and cherish the little guy and with Sharry as my guide (through her love, writings and roadmap) I am trying my very best in my broken B+/F state to celebrate life as much as I possibly can and to live for JJ...my literal piece of her.
Enjoy some beautiful JJ 9 month pictures courtesy of my talented photographer sister Jennifer Kastleman. Isn’t he a cutie!? And his eyes look brown like his mama's in most of these pictures!