Thursday, March 16, 2017

9 months: What I miss, what I love

March 16th is JJ’s 9 month birthday. It has been 9 months since we lost his angel mama and my soulmate. Tonight as I was visiting the cemetery I started thinking of the things I miss and love about Shar. Here are a few:
  • Her presence, I loved just feeling her light and love next to me
  • Her beautiful voice was music to my ears
  • Her taste. Her taste in food, music, movies, fashion and causes were all things that enriched my life that I will always cherish.
  • Her beauty. My fantasy girl then and now.
  • Her passion. For goals, for adventure, for art, for making the world a better place, for celebrations and traditions, for protecting the broken and defenseless people and creatures.
  • Her talent. I am still inspired with wonder and envy at how bright, creative, charismatic and strong she was.
  • Her goodness. She had such a compassionate and large heart.
  • Her love. Our love. So deep, profound and eternal.
  • Her gentleness. She was gifted with animals, babies, plants
  • Her touch. Cuddles, holding hands, sitting on my lap and so much more.
  • Her everything. The good and the bad I love and miss everything about one of God’s choice angels.

At 9 months our beautiful baby boy deserves some love and praise as well. Here are some of the things I love about Mr James Francis Buhanan-Decker.

  • He does this adorable head nod when he is excited about the attention he’s receiving where he lifts his chin and just coos at whoever he’s locked eyes with.
  • How active he is. Her is a curious baby boy which I adore and hope he always maintains.
  • His speed. He is a little crawling machine.
  • He loves tags. Anytime any article of clothings, blankets, toys or anything has a tag he excitedly makes his way to is and is ready to investigate.
  • How much he loves our kitty Lola, it isn’t reciprocated quite yet haha
  • His hair that has a slight hint of red in the sunlight...his mama had very warm tones to her hair as well
  • His smile melts my broken heart
  • His cuddles
  • He is a very social eater
  • Major FOMO (fear of missing out)
  • Amazing hearing, he can pick out things that distant and faint
  • When I feed him sometimes he just sits and strokes my beard
  • How he loves hikes already
  • How he can sleep through almost anything except the night haha. Recently we were on a hike where I had him in the carrier and he fell asleep half way. On the way back I slipped and fell cutting my foot and his face fell into some scratchy bushes. He did not wake up
  • All the little ways he reminds me of Shar
  • How he is already my very best living friend
  • He is my anchor to joy, to this life and Shar
  • His laugh
  • He loves hide and seek
  • How he responds to Sharry’s songs
  • How empathetic he seems to be to my own and other people’s emotions
  • The future that we have together. A future of adventure (crossing of Shar’s bucket list), meaning, love, learning, growth and friendship.

Happy 9 months JJ I love you so so much.

And to Shar nine incredibly difficult months after 12 magical years have only deepened my love for you.


  1. Hello, Je suis française, j'ai lu votre blog et chapeau à vous, ça ne doit pas être facile tout les jours pour vous, je suis maman d'un petit garçon de 29 mois, je sais que parfois c'est pas facile, en tout cas vous avez l'air d'être un papa formidable.

  2. Hi jared,
    I listened to your Strangers podcast a few days ago and I haven't been able to stop thinking bout you, Sharry and JJ. I also grew up in St George and being from the same small town somehow makes it seem like I know you even though we've never met. I was so deeply moved by your open and honest expressions of love for your wife. Thank you so much for sharing your story, her memory will live on in all of us who hear it. I wish you and JJ all the best in the new journey you are navigating together.