Sharry's 30th Birthday

Shar loved celebrations. Holidays, birthdays, big events...she loved finding whatever reason big or small to celebrate life. These events are going to incredibly difficult for the next year and into the future. The zest and flavor of life has definitely been diminished. This Thursday August 11th is Sharry’s 30th birthday AND JJ’s 8 week birthday! Sharry actually had reserved a camping spot out in Escalante to celebrate and visit some slot canyons with our new baby. Those reservations will go unfulfilled.

Thursday will be an incredibly difficult day. Fortunately for me it is also the very first day of school at Dixie High School which should keep me pretty busy and distracted. That night is also supposed to be the peak night to watch the Perseid Meteor so I plan on ditching JJ with some wonderful family and finding a perfect spot to bask in the lights from heaven where I hope to feel the presence of Shar and God.

I recently found in Shar’s journal an imaginary message from her 80 year old self (sadly won’t happen in this reality) sharing wisdom to the Shar in her 20’s, LOVE IT:

If my 80 year old, sage self, came in a time machine to give me some sound advice, what would I tell myself?

1. The most important thing in life is the people you care about. Cultivate good relationships with family and always develop friendships.
2. Work toward passions and forget the small bumps along the way. Produce beautiful art, music and literature and share it.
3. Focus on helping others.
4. Put experience before material possessions
5. Gain as much knowledge as possible. Learn about the innumerable theories and lifestyles and try to understand and accept others
6. Relax. Life is short, enjoy it.
7. Take risks, learn from mistakes, experience what this life has to offer.
8. Learn to truly have compassion. People react to things based on their circumstances. There is no way to know where they are coming from

She made me this cake one year for my bday, cuz I'm a nerd and she's amazing

I have to add my voice, a message to Shar from her bubby into the ether for her big 3 0:

Baby girl how the hell did this happen!? You would often say you can’t trust anybody over the age of 30 and so Shar you forever have my love and absolute trust and devotion. Me, JJ and Lola miss you more than anything I can ever imagine. This was to be our ultimate year of celebrations. Our first house, a beautiful baby boy, your 30th birthday and our 10th wedding anniversary. Where did things go so cataclysmically wrong!? I literally could not imagine a more horrible turn of events. I feel like I am in a totally messed up alternate universe and I need to defeat great evil somewhere to get reality back on the right path. Maybe Trump is the boss that I need to destroy and then goodness will be restored???

Shar you know what? You are inspiring people everywhere. You would NOT believe how many people (friends, family and people we don’t even really know) have communicated to me that your life is inspiring them to live more fully. To cherish living things and experiences over shitty materialism. To eat less meat. To create. To savor nature in all of its beauty. To tell their loved ones they love them and try to love more fully and deeply. A friend recently shared the hashtag #livelikeShar and I wept. I want nothing more in this world to know you still exist and that you see the light and impact that you are having beyond the grave.

You are so good, so loving, so pure and my world is so much darker without you. I really don’t know what to get you for your birthday. I did get some silly little angel mama things for your graveside. More importantly than that though I am trying to be a mirror of your light for the world through my writing and my living. JJ and I are going to finish your bucket list. Your baby boy will be taught always of his wonderful angel mama and you will be a constant inspiration to him and to me. You will always be missed, you will never be forgotten your presence is tattooed on my arm, my heart and soul. Shar if you exist please inspire me to be the best human/dad/light I can possibly be. No person will ever replace your light on this Earth but I am going to give all that I can to that cause.

Pic from our engagement photo shoot and Shar's last last birthday

Friends, family and followers, on Thursday I plead that you think/pray/meditate for Sharry that on her 30th birthday she knows how deeply she is missed and loved. Check out the meteor shower and bask in the beauty of nature and the heavens. Give the beloveds in your life some extra sincere appreciation, love, hugs/kisses and gratitude. Life is fragile and needs to be cherished.

Shar and I would often listen to this silly and emotional Bright Eyes song on birthdays

Bucket list: experiences not things

One of Sharry’s key mantras to life was to “buy experiences, not stuff.” And she was so good at living this way. We as human’s love accumulating stuff. I think it goes back to times when people did not have enough stuff to survive so they needed to collect and spend most of their time and resources to provide for their family and community. For the most part that is not required for most of us today. Yet we have more stuff than we have ever had as humanity and spend so much time thinking, saving (and going into debt) to get the new cool and for the most part totally unnecessary crap. I’m incredibly guilty of this, but Sharry was 98% better than any normal person I’ve ever met (buddhist monks aside). She did not want a smart phone, she loved shopping at DI because it didn’t add to sweat shops and our throwaway society. She would feel guilty when she would buy new clothes or things of the sort. She really only wanted new things that led to greater experiences, greater connection to nature and visiting other lands.

Here’s a great article backing Shar’s philosophy.

Shar’s life experience philosophy inevitably led to her creating a bucket list that she adapted from some she found online and created herself. I want to share her list and will do so over a few different posts. I will edit out some items that I know she would not want shared and will annotate key items. This first post will be the items from her list that she checked off, that she actually experienced. Keep in mind this is by no means a comprehensive list of Shar’s experiences and yet all of these were accomplished before the old age of 30.

The supposed location of the holy grail, we drank some of the red water

The Bucket List.

(x ) Gone on a blind date

(x) Participate in a rally We participated in a lot of these!!

(x) Participate in a peace march
(x) Skipped school
(x) Watched someone die (and stand in the fire with them) I was amazed at the strength Sharry had in the toughest of situations
(x) Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
(x) Been to Hawaii
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Gone to Washington, DC She didn’t do this one but I did while we were married so I’m counting it (o:
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Swam with sea turtles
(x) Been sailing
(x) Played cops and robbers
(x) Recently colored with crayons
(x) Sang Karaoke
(x)Volunteered at a soup kitchen

Costa Rica

(x) Been on TV
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) Made prank phone calls
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue I love the beauty and simplicity of some of these
(x) Fired a gun
(x) Been to the Opera
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Serenaded someone
(x ) Stayed in a 5 star hotel
(x ) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(x) Watched the sunrise with someone I loved watching sunrises and sunsets with her!
(x) Been to a National Museum
(x) Eaten caviar
(x) Blown bubbles
(x) Gone ice-skating
(x) Gone to the movies
(x) Driven across the United States
(x) Backpacked through Europe
(x ) Lived in more than one country
(x) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets I miss so much these simple yet profound memories. These are what my happy thoughts are made of.
(x) Seen a falling star and made a wish Before every time I had a “wish moment” I would wish for Shar’s lasting happiness. Now I wish to know she still exists and is at peace
(x) Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser
(x) Seen the Grand Canyon Where I proposed

Speaking on loving our neighbors at Occupy SLC

(x) Seen the Statue of Liberty
(x) Been on a cruise
(x) Traveled by train
(x)Traveled by motorcycle
(x) Been horse back riding
(x) Been to Disneyland OR Disney World
(x) Truly believe in the power of prayer
(x) Been in a rain forest
(x ) Seen dolphins in the ocean
(x) Swam with dolphins and whales
(x) Been to the Olympics
(x) Been water-skiing
(x) Been snow-skiing
(x) Been to Westminster Abbey
(x) Been to the Louvre
(x) Swam in the Mediterranean
(x) Been to a Major League Baseball game
(x) Been to a National Football League game it was a presseason chargers game but I guess it counts
(x) Make a handmade quilt
(x) Been to Europe
(x) Eaten things you can't pronounce
(x ) Had any broken bones

(X) Save someone’s life I’m checking off this one because I think she saved JJ’s life!!

(x) Find a soul mate This one breaks my heart with gratitude and loss

(x) Backpack Europe

A buddhist weekend retreat when we lived in S. Korea

(x) Work for a nonprofit

(x) Find a spiritual home I must say this was an ongoing process

(x) Vegoose, Coachella, Warped tour, Hardly Strictly Bluegrass

(x) Music on you-tube

(x) Be part of an important movement OCCUPY

(x) Be an activist

(x) Have a family

(x) Watch the top 100 films

(x) Snorkel in a coral reef

(x) Visit most national parks These were some of my favorite memories

(X) Become an angel YES this was actually on her bucket list!! Wasn’t checked off of course but I’m checking it now.

(x) Get a Masters (M.P.A.)

(x) Never get divorced Never even had the chance...joking of course

(x) Own and use a kayak haha we had an inflatable one that was incredibly difficult to steer

(x) Learn to cook

(x) Always be eccentric

(x) Host a benefit

(x) Become a vegetarian

(x) Write for underground newspaper (The Salt Lake Dissident)

The Alps

Teaching and connecting

Beautiful Bryce

I hope JJ wants to follow in his mom’s footsteps someday and create his own bucket list adapting many of her items to make his own.

Do you keep a bucket list? What’s on your list you’ve checked off? What do you have yet to check?

In a coming post I’ll share the items she had yet to post off...ie a road map for me and JJ to live by. (o:

BE HERE NOW

I am officially putting roots back down in St. George, Utah. JJ and I are back in the room I grew up in as a teenager and I have worked a full three days at Dixie High School. To begin with I of course do not love this situation. I miss completely everything about my old life in Salt Lake. Dream spouse, house and job..all gone and my heart and soul ache completely for them.

Recently as I was unpacking some of our boxes I found a bracelet that I thought was mine as I have one very similar that was given to me by a loving family member. However when I slipped it on I realized it was totally not mine but must have been Sharry’s except I do not remember her ever having this piece of jewelry. As you can see in the picture though this is yet another message from my beloved angel, “BE HERE NOW”. This is an eastern idea that Shar and I have always cherished and something that I am struggling with more now than ever. I think of the past and every single memory includes Sharry. My mind drifts to the future and every hope and plan was built with Sharry and now is just a sad reminder of how my future has been robbed. BE HERE NOW.

NOW I have a beautiful baby boy who is literally a piece of Sharry who keeps me up at night, cries, screams, smiles, giggles and grows. He is my anchor to the present and my future

NOW I have a new exciting job with beautiful coworkers and amazing high schoolers where I can jump in with unrestrained love for a whole new community

NOW I have the love and kindness of friends, families and strangers

NOW I am incredibly fortunate to have loving family babysitters to watch JJ while I work

NOW I am incredibly vulnerable and seeking out the love and comfort of a Heavenly Father and/or Mother who may or may not exist

NOW I look for the presence of Sharry everywhere and sometimes think I feel her
NOW I am not alone, many suffer through heartbreak and loss (Patton Oswalt, for one, shares his grief)

NOW at work I think to text Sharry throughout the day as I always have and well up with tears

NOW on the way home I’m excited to go see her and tell her all about my day I break down completely in the car because that won’t happen ever again

NOW is a scary hell

NOW is all I have

Tattoos are permanent

I got a tattoo yesterday and I love it more than I thought I would. I went to “Alpha & Omega” tattoo parlor in St George. Ben was the artist and he did a terrific job. Let me explain why I wanted to do this and the symbolism of it all.

Sharry and I had talked about getting tattoos on and off for a few years but didn’t ever commit because they are just too dang permanent and we were saving for a house, baby and all of our other awesome future plans. After losing Sharry this summer I definitely found something that I want permanently and I no longer really have any big future plans.

I know many of my readers do not look favorably on tattoos but let me try to explain the why and the symbolism here. To begin with the hand specifically represents Ahimsa, which essentially means nonviolence or compassion to all living beings. This has its route in Jainism and other eastern philosophies and was espoused by Gandhi in his search for justice and the divine. It is the overarching Buhanan-Decker guiding life philosophy. Sharry cherished Ahimsa and I think lived it better than the vast majority of human beings. She became a vegetarian, fought for justice and loved deeply because of the type of person she was who sought Ahimsa.

At the top of the hand is the sun piercing through a cloudy/stormy background. This was totally Ben’s idea and artistic touch but it works perfectly for my situation. As I have written in past posts Sharry was and is the sun of my life. Without her my life feels incredibly dark and empty yet still at times her love pierces through my pain and suffering to bring rays of peace and light.

The center X and P are actually the Greek letters Chi and Rho which together form a symbol designating Christ or Christian. Sharry and I fell in love with this symbol when we backpacked through Europe and saw it all over Rome as we learned about early martyrs and discovered it inscribed in ancient Christian catacombs. I have always loved and appreciated Jesus. His teachings have made our world a better place. One cannot live the words of Jesus found in the gospels of the New Testament and not be a force for love and peace. Throughout this horrible traumatic process Jesus has become a source for comfort and hope as a possible route back to my lost beloved and the kingdom of heaven. My relationship with him is dynamic but permanent.

The three dots can represent both the holy trinity and BD3. Plus three is my favorite number.

The olive branches represent victory and peace. In this situation I love both. Right now in my life I need peace more than anything else. Peace and hope that everything is going to be more or less OK again, knowing that one way or another Shar is at peace, that the hole in my heart won’t always throb with pain and loss but will scab over and leave a Sharry shaped scar that I can always remember and cherish. Victory that our deep love can overcome death in this life and hopefully the next.

And of course at the bottom is Sharry’s signature. I originally wanted her signature placed on the ring finger but that would not fit unless it was done incredibly small. I love where it’s located as it is the foundation and base of the whole piece. Sharry is and always will be the rock that I build my life on through the influence she had on me for twelve years and all the amazing gifts, words, songs, stories and memories that she leaves behind for her family and friends.