California Dreamin

For my fall break this year I was able to make a pilgrimage of sorts to the sunny shores of California. Sharry and I always loved going on vacations to California. Our very first “trip” together when were dating was a trip to the Pacific ocean and back within 24 hours. Our parents weren’t the biggest fans of us staying the night together and we were good kids. So we left right after 3 AM drove way too fast and made it to Malibu beach before 8 AM California time, it was a fun and exhausting day. Sharry would tease me that I may be her one true love but the beach and pacific ocean were her first love.

Sleeping in the car in one of our many Cali trips

Bumming it up at the beach

Over our years together we typically would visit some part of California annually. These visits covered a wide range of fun activities which included but are not limited to: lots of beaches, beach camping, honeymoon, driving up and down the 101, snorkeling, boogie boarding, beach campfires, kissing while driving, amusement parks, national parks, lots of concerts, Bob Dylan, Joan Baez (who we hung out with afterward thanks to Shar’s persistence), Crosby Stills Nash and Young, Coachella Festival 2x, Hardly Strictly Bluegrass festival 2x, family visits, family trips, tons of good food, visiting University campuses and dreaming of amazing grad schools, many museums, attending synagogue, meditating at buddhist temples, Tijuana, intense sunburns, super sunsets, great road trip tunes, vacation fights & vacation makeups, Chargers’ preseason game, Padres’ game, sleeping in the car, sleeping in ghetto motels, getting lost and loving it and so much more that I’m sure Shar could add to my foggy memory.

Museum of contemporary art

I wanted to revisit what has become hallowed ground enshrined within Shar’s journals and my memories. So thanks to an amazing Mom (JJ’s grandma) I was able to make my first ever solo road trip. I loaded up Shar’s California playlist, some audiobooks on near death experiences and hit the road. (here’s a spotify version of Shar’s Cali tunes). It was a tough trip with many tears shed but I’m very glad I had the opportunity to do it.

For the majority of my trip I felt like a ghost. I did not seek out human interactions and as a weird looking single dude not too many people looked my way either. In fact I spoke far more to Sharry than any other living human. The only human I spoke more than a sentence to for the first part of my pilgrimage was a psychic which probably still fits within the realm of “ghostly behavior” haha.

Snorkeling in La Jolla

Hardly Strictly Bluegrass

After the long drive there (far less enjoyable than road trips in the past btw) I headed to La Jolla near San Diego. My first visit was the San Diego LDS temple where I walked around the beautiful sunny grounds and reminisced about doing the same thing with Sharry a couple of times. Next I headed to La Jolla Cove one of our go to spots. I was both to sad and cold for snorkeling but loved walking up and down the coast people and seal watching. I also finished my very last Sharry journal there which is such a difficult and sad thing for me. In an upcoming post I’ll share more wisdom from that account. Then following our footsteps from a few years past I walked to the Museum of Contemporary Art where I soaked in photography for political action, modern installations, sculptures and a beautiful garden grounds. I would close my eyes look back in time and imagine Sharry there with me. In fact I would do this throughout the trip even reaching out my hand to hold her imaginary fingers.

Me 2016

Sharry 2012

Finishing Shar's journal

Next I decided to check something off of Sharry’s bucket list, “consult a clairvoyant gypsy.” I googled psychics in San Diego and found one with the best sounding written reviews. I went in thinking this would be an interesting and unique form of entertainment and it ended up being a comforting and spiritual experience. At some point maybe I’ll write a post about this interesting experience.

At the end of the day I returned to our beach campfire spot on Coronado island with its soft sands to watch the sunset and walk along the lapping waves. There was a beautiful little wedding happening on the beach as well that was beautiful to watch.

Friday morning after sleeping in I went to visit Balboa Park and to visit the beautiful ground and many of the beautiful museums. Then I revisited the first Thai restaurant that Sharry and I ever went to years ago in San Diego that began a life long love affair with this delicious food.

Balboa Park

Then I drove up the 101 to Irvine California to visit with Sharry's awesome brother his wife, and their cute kiddos. It's always great to get some Buhanan time in any day and in such a beautiful location this is of course magnified. We ate good food, went to a few beaches, saw beautiful sights and reminisced. I love me some Buhanans.

After Irvine I headed up to one of Sharry's favorite museums ever, "The Getty." Beautiful gardens and inspirational art made me emotional in my third visit (first without Sharry) to the gigantic museum.

Our 2005 visit to the Getty

2016 solo visit

Really enjoyed these. Made me emotional applying it to my life. Top right an old couple, what we always hoped for. Bottom right, a woman surrounded by family in bed, what I hope Sharry has now in her current existence. Top right a man in a wheel chair, how I feel without my other half.

Eve. I feel like Adam without an Eve. 

Finally to end my pilgrimage I desperately wanted to track down our very first contact with the beach together on Malibu beach and after searching up and down the coast I found it!

2005

Over 11 years later, found the whale tale bench

Overall it was a very difficult trip with many tears and intimate conversations with God and Sharry but it was a very positive experience and on the last day I could not wait to get home and see our baby boy. When I made it home I ran downstairs with him to cry, hold and love on him.

BD 3Es (experiences, elevation, empathy)

I recently had the wonderful experience of going back to visit the school where I had the privilege of working as a school counselor for five years. During that time I met and fell in love with many amazing teachers and students. I was torn away when our summer tragedy happened and a window opened to work at a great new school where I can be closer to family support. But I did not get to explain why or say good bye. This was my opportunity. I want to share my emotional "Last Lesson, with Love" that I was able to do at my old school.

Here is the video of me teaching followed by the slides and videos used.

 Sharry taught me the meaning of life. That meaning is found through cherishing life, experiences, love and relationships above all else.
#LivelikeShar

SLC revisited

JJ, my mom and I returned to Salt Lake City Thursday through Saturday for a few exciting things. Overall it was a good, busy and exhausting visit. JJ did surprisingly well in the car even though he hates riding day to day on the way to babysitters. Obviously one key difference is he had one of us waiting in the back with him, regardless he did really well! It was a good trip but in many ways a tough trip. It was my first time going back to SLC since moving south and there were constant reminders of my old lost life.

JJ bundled up for the cold northern country

The main reason that brought us back to my old home is JJ had his 4 month checkup with some of the specialists he worked with while in the NICU. The results? He passed with flying colors! He met with 5 different specialists and the only thing that they found that may not be completely up to snuff is that he his unusually tight hamstrings! There is always “worst case scenario” with anything but it is probably genetics as neither the Buhanans or Deckers are especially known for their flexibility.

JJ and my incredible aunt Christy who has always been there for all of us kids

Four months ago I was being told that JJ might never walk, be blind, have severe learning disabilities or a host of other “worst cases” but now many of the specialists say they never need to see him again. He is an amazing little guy. JJ is super smiley, quick to give anyone a cute big grin. He is very empathetic with his mirror neurons firing all over the place as he watches his cousins and others. JJ is a great eater, almost 16 pounds and in the 93%. Overall he seems to be a great kid. Of course he is has plenty of grumpy moments and can be incredibly exhausting but all things considered he is doing so so well.

One of Shar's favorite paintings of Jesus, usually seen with just the face. I had forgotten the boy.

After the checkup I had the opportunity to meet with an LDS general authority who I admire and actually received a pretty powerful blessing. It was a very positive meeting and I left feeling inspired and comforted. His love, kindness and compassion had a lasting impact on me. He told me to listen to the good people in my life because that is often how God communicates with us. Two themes that came up throughout our visit were trusting Jesus and one of my greatest weaknesses, patience. Patience with myself, with God and with life.

Our Sandy house that we lived in together for all of two months

Next I finally was able to sign the final paperwork to close on the house that Sharry and I bought just a few short months ago. My realtor is pretty amazing and kind of surprisingly had pretty powerful words of wisdom and comfort for me...not things you typically expect from your house hunter. It was great to see her and to check off one more thing that needed to be done.

After closing we went to visit the wonderful medical staff that assisted the BD3. It was good to see these loving folks again. They were super excited to see how well JJ is progressing. My only regret here is that of course there were many of the nurses/doctors who were not on shift when we just happened to drop by.

Sharry preparing plants for the house and yard

We also were able to spend a few hours with my grandpa and JJ's sole remaining great grandparent in Bountiful. It is always great to see him. I have many fond memories of him growing up and am so grateful JJ is able to "meet" him. My grandpa also lost my grandma not too long ago and he and I are able to have good little chats about loss and hopes for the afterlife.

JJ and his great grandpa

We were able to stay two nights with Sharry’s sister Lisa and her amazing family. I love and miss them so very much. They were definitely the people that Sharry and I would visit the most in my old life and in my new life I see far too little of them. JJ loves seeing his cousins and Lisa and her husband Nate are always amazing kind and generous hosts.

A handful of the fabulous MMS crew

On Friday morning we met up with some great friends from the Sandy area and had a delicious breakfast mixed with some always important life catching up. From there I had arranged to teach a “last lesson with love” to my beautiful 8th grade students who I miss and love so much at Midvale Middle School. It was a powerful and emotional experience being back in the school that I was torn away from this summer when my life came crashing down. I think I received 200+ hugs and JJ got all sorts of love. He only was there for a couple of hour before he left to hang out with some cousins, but needless to say he was a hit. My lesson was on the “BD 3E’s” of Experiences, Elevation (setting high goals for yourself) and Empathy. I recorded it and as soon as I get the recording I think I’ll do a whole post about it so stay tuned. My students are amazing and I hope I didn’t depress them too much but I wanted to let them know that I hadn’t abandoned them but had some big life changes that had happened.

While being at Midvale though I had the wonderful sensation of being back in my old life and it crossed my mind a couple times throughout the day that I couldn’t wait to go home (our sold house) to be with Sharry and hang out with her (I used to get excited every day for this). But then I would have the awful realization that this is impossible.

A belt gifted to me by MMS staff that says "BD, SHARRY, JJ" made from confiscated old english belt buckles (o:

After saying goodbye to my beloved Midvale staff and students I headed out to my sister’s place in Stansbury Park where my mom and JJ were already chilling. It was so good to her and her busy male (3 boys and husband Josh) Kastleman crew. They are so full of life and excitement. She even did a quick mini photo shoot of JJ which I’m sure you’ll be seeing soon. I miss her as well. I see a lot less of her being so far south.

What a wonderful grandma

Overall it was a very positive trip but with many reminders of my stolen life. I am trying to focus on the good but oh man what I wouldn’t do to go back in time if even for an instant to cuddle with Sharry in our old stomping grounds.

PS This week is our fall break in St George and I’m actually doing my first solo road trip in a pilgrimage of sorts to California to revisit some of the BD favorite spots. I anticipate it being an emotional, tough and hopefully rewarding trip. I will try to post picture updates throughout on social media and a blog post summarizing after my trip is through.